Mid-Year Check-In  

As I expected, my anti-climatic return to blogging was met with profound skepticism and smartassery. Also known as reason #324 why internet people hold the silver medal of my heart (second only to those who actually shower and leave their parent's house).

I initially considered using my re-return post to update the world on all the super intense next-level happenings of my life. However, there's been so much going on I thought it might be a little overwhelming for everyone. But then, the other night as I sat in my study contemplating (and eventually solving) the very nature of existence, I took a long, thoughtful draw off of my pipe, gently stroked the nape of my African Lynx, and came to the realization that it would be unfair to withhold all that I have accomplished so far this year:
  • Fell asleep with a piece of bacon in my mouth
  • Watched way more Adventure Time than what is probably acceptable for a 32-year-old
  • Read every post on Tumblr, ever (side note: I hate all teenagers now)
  • Found Jesus, promptly lost him somewhere at the mall
  • Joined Instagram
  • Had a three-way (bacon, ham, and sausage omelet)
  • Sent 11 vaguely threatening letters to Maggie Gyllenhaal
  • Saw The Avengers, had a minor sexual identity crisis
  • Watched an entire baseball game without falling asleep
  • Gave up caffeine
  • Started freebasing Vitamin B
  • Became the first person to ever use the term "toner facial" in a workplace meeting
  • Finally relinquished my first email address from 1997, elephantpenis@hotmail.com
  • Almost touched a spider
  • Took a yoga class, demanded refund after learning that Yoga Fire was not an actual move
  • Had one of my graphs published in a book
  • As typical when I get published, I received ZERO FUCKING COMPENSATION for it
  • Swallowed bitterness, chased it with whiskey
I could probably just go ahead and call it a year at this point, but believe it or not, I actually have greater aspirations for the remainder of 2012. All I can say is that you guys might want to prepare your brain's butthole. Or maybe it's your butthole's brain? I'm not very good with anatomy.

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