I'm Buying a Kindle  

Scene: Library

Enter Jay, looking confident and dashingly handsome as always. He grabs four books (OK, mostly graphic novels [OK FINE. They're fucking hardcover comic books. Do you feel like a big man now??]) off the "Hold" shelf and makes his way to the circulation desk. Here Jay is greeted by a Librarian that he guesses to be in her early seventies, noting she appears to have not smiled since Matlock was canceled.

Jay: (setting stack of books on desk) Where is your bathroom at?

Librarian: (looking at his books and scowling) What for?

Jay: (realizing the graphic novel on top of the stack is a Wonder Woman one, and that Librarian likely assumes he wants to go beat off in her library) I stopped in to pick these up, but it turns out I need to, um, drop something off as well. (awkward smile)

Librarian: (distrusting gaze) Oh, you can just drop it off by the front desk.

Jay: I think you think I'm talking about something else.

Librarian: Then what is it you're talking about?

(four teenage girls get in line behind Jay)

Jay: Using your bathroom.

Librarian: Mfughshnnugomameblahblah...

Jay: (too busy trying to will a stroke into Librarian's brain to hear what she said) I'm sorry, what?

Librarian: (using her loud voice, which is pretty much the library equivalent of screaming) THE BATHROOM IS JUST OUTSIDE THE ENTRANCE. YOU'LL NEED TO CHECK OUT YOUR COMIC BOOKS FIRST IF YOU WANT TO TAKE THEM IN THERE WITH YOU.

(teenage girl giggling erupts behind Jay)

Jay: Wow. Thanks.

(A half-smile slowly begins to form on the right side of Librarian's face)

(Jay lingers, hoping her half-smile is symptomatic of impending stroke. Walks away moments later, thoroughly disappointed)

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16 Reasons to Live

  • Gary Baker  
    January 28, 2011 at 4:59 AM

    Last week I was checking out a book from the local library and noticed the elderly librarian lady's cardigan was on inside out. I mentioned this as discretely as possible whereupon she thanked me, then, in a voice that rattled the windows, added, "... and your pubes have migrated to your face!"
    I'm guessing she was having a bad day ...

  • GingerMandy  
    January 28, 2011 at 5:52 AM

    I've always wanted to be a librarian. I don't know why this makes me really want to be one now.

  • Jen O.  
    January 28, 2011 at 6:17 AM

    You did NOT say "Where is your bathroom *AT*," did you? DID YOU?


  • When Pigs Fly  
    January 28, 2011 at 3:30 PM

    See, if you get the Kindle you wouldn't have to deal with this kind of crap. But, then again it makes for such good blog material.

  • HumorSmith  
    January 28, 2011 at 4:38 PM

    You are flippin' funny. I follow!

  • Underground Dude  
    January 28, 2011 at 5:26 PM

    Dude, we have the same life. I would say it's like we were in alternate universes like the mirror verse or bizarro, but that would indicate we weren't really the same at all. Oh wait! I was going for parallel universes that's it. Clearly, we can't be identical unless we were long lost twins separated at birth never have being told of each other (doubtful).

    So, the same with slight changes then. Parallel universe it is. Yeah, that's it.


  • Aliiice  
    January 29, 2011 at 4:12 AM

    I think it is for reasons like this that I have a massive complex about having everybody know when I'm going to the bathroom.
    That and I hate the thought of other people knowing I'm going somewhere specifically to pee...

  • Ed  
    January 29, 2011 at 12:30 PM

    If beating off in a library bathroom is wrong, then why did I get a library card?

  • Dr. Cynicism  
    January 30, 2011 at 7:18 PM

    Wow... that last line is the funniest coupe de grace I've read in quite a while my friend. Thank you for that :-) By the way, get the newest, gray Kindle - ladies love it and no aging librarians will screw with ya.

  • Ashley  
    January 31, 2011 at 12:07 PM

    HAhahaha! This SERIOUSLY happened it real life? You're such a little pain in the ass...you totally played into everything :)

  • Rahul  
    February 1, 2011 at 12:43 PM

    They still make Wonder Woman comics? I know they make Wonder Woman porn, I mean, I HEARD they make Wonder woman porn so I wasn't sure.

    You should have offered that lady a "what for." I don't know what that means but seems like something old people would understand.

  • Amanda  
    February 1, 2011 at 3:59 PM

    Haha! Yeah, you totally asked for that one.
    I love libraries because I love being surrounded by that many books, but I hate it when they don't have the book I want, like right now.

  • Impulsive Addict  
    February 3, 2011 at 12:42 PM

    This is disturbing yet super funny! Bwhahahahahaha!

  • Date Girl  
    February 4, 2011 at 4:52 PM

    Why are librarians such giant snatches? I would love to work at a library but not if it means working with a bunch of grumpy old prudes.
    PS your story reminds me of that seinfeld episode where George reads a book in the bookstore bathroom and they make him buy it since its tainted.

  • Katsidhe  
    February 19, 2011 at 5:23 AM

    I was just about peeing myself laughing at this because, first of you were checking comic books out of the library (I don't judge since I"m a comic geek, too, however I still laugh), but mostly at the awkward situation. That was fucking hilarious!

  • Eyank Ghaib  
    March 25, 2011 at 8:20 PM

    Nice info friend.....:D

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