Cherry Picking Awesomeness  

A blank page has always represented both great potential and great frustration for me. Very rarely will a day go by that I don't write something, however, it's not uncommon for days/weeks/months to pass and for me to I feel as if I haven't written anything of substance. Don't let such scholarly words fool you; in my world it's entirely possible to find substance in panda farts and jokes about Nicolas Cage's forehead. Meaning content definitely isn't the issue here. Maybe it comes down to finding the right combination of tone, style, and story -- simply put, it just has to feel right to me.

Aren't you glad I'm not your editor?

Just because 99% of the words I write never leave the sordid pages of my personal notebook doesn't mean it's all worthless. Every now and again I'll re-read some of those greatest misses and a line or two will jump out at me -- a line begging to be saved, or some random assemblage of words that had likely been destined for greater things all along.

That's exactly what I've got in store for you today; part two in what appears to be an ongoing series of "Out of Context Clips from Works I Won't be Publishing" (part one is here). Keep in mind that some of these are from real life stories, whereas others are from works of complete fiction. Although you're probably safe in assuming any dick jokes were ripped straight from the headlines of my life.

" least to me, grammar is paramount. Unless we're talking about Kelsey Grammer, in which case it's a pretentious one-trick pony that should have stopped being famous 20 years ago."

"By the time he was my age, my grandfather had already taken out more Japanese than Godzilla."

"He was the only person I'd ever met that could turn the story of the crucifixion into a 'Yo Mama' joke."

"I'm sorry, but if you are older than 13 and say 'LOL' in a real-life conversation, I have to punch you in the neck. Those are the rules. That I just made up. So I can punch you in your stupid neck."

"The thing about taking naked pictures of yourself is that somehow, someday, everyone on the internet is going to see them."

"You see, while everyone loves to hear fucked up stories about fucked up people, very few actually want to be the person living those stories. That's where I come in."

"This guy was a gold medal-winning decathlete in the Douche Olympics."

"I got 99 problems but Quidditch ain't one."

"From the moment I saw her, I knew she would be mine. Well, either her or her sister."

"We were so poor, the Tooth Fairy left backrub coupons under our pillows."

"Besting religion is easy -- all you have to do is keep asking 'Why?' like a 5-year-old."

"It was a lot like that elevator scene from The Shining, only with jizz."

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