I'm the Guy Who Has No OCD Friends for a Reason  

As a follow-up to my last post, regarding everyone's capacity for dickheadery when an elevator is involved, I wanted to try and balance the scales with a confessional of sorts. I'm far from the perfect person, and I know for a fact that my actions are quite often the bane of someone else's existence. A few (if not too many) great examples include:
  • I'm the guy who takes 15+ items into the express lane at the grocery store.
  • I'm the guy who is always driving slower than you.
  • I'm the guy who nicknamed you "Emoticonnie" for putting smileys in the subject line of work emails.
  • I'm the guy who only comes to sports parties for the beer.
  • I'm the guy who takes the last slice of pizza without even attempting to first make eye contact with you.
  • I'm the guy who could give two shits about using your coaster.
  • I'm the guy who grabs a giant wad of napkins from the dispenser and only uses half of them.
  • I'm the guy who infected your computer with a virus in 1999 because I didn't how to properly surf for porn.
  • I'm the guy who doesn't clear the timer on the microwave when I'm done using it.
  • I'm the guy who can't remember your name, so I fake introduce you to someone in order to hear you say it.
  • I'm the guy who always steals the armrest from you.
  • I'm the guy who will sincerely ask for your advice and then do the exact opposite of what you suggested.
  • I'm the guy who is so fidgety it makes some people nervous.
  • I'm the guy who you can hear typing in the background while we're on the phone.
  • I'm the guy who puts ketchup on "good" food.
  • I'm the guy who swears in front of elderly people, falsely assuming that they've heard it all by now.
UPDATED!! Turns out I'm an ever bigger dick than previously realized!
  • I'm the guy who consistently puts utensils in the wrong section of the utensil separator.
  • I'm the guy who thinks french fries belong on top your hamburger and/or hot dog.
  • I'm the guy who has never sent a thank-you note in his life.
  • I'm the guy who writes on your dirty car windshield.
  • I'm the guy who doesn't care which way the roll of toilet paper is facing.
Before you start sharpening your pitchforks, allow me to clarify that I will usually bring some beer to your party, just not as much as I plan on drinking, and well, let's just say I've learned more than enough to ensure I won't be crashing your computer anytime soon.

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25 Reasons to Live

  • Jennifer  
    March 1, 2010 at 11:43 AM

    I used to be the girl who only showed up to parties for the drugs. Socializing was a distant second.

  • Anonymous  
    March 1, 2010 at 12:02 PM

    The 1st, 5th, and 9th will get you killed by me.

    But I actually feel that you're entitled to my armrest because you're a giant. So you can have mine. I'll give you a dirty look, of course, but that's just for show.

    And I swear in front of old people for the same reason and children because, well, they have to learn the proper uses of the words SOMEWHERE. It's my civic duty or whatever. I'm practically a saint.

  • James  
    March 1, 2010 at 12:11 PM

    Dude. The fake introduction. You're giving away trade secrets.

  • Jen O.  
    March 1, 2010 at 12:14 PM

    You're probably the same asshole who told my ex-boyfriend I'd like him more if he started calling me Jenny Lee Country Singing Superstar all. The. Time. Because somebody lead him down the wrong path that got his ass dumped via email and that sounds like the kind of thing you'd do.

  • lbluca77  
    March 1, 2010 at 12:24 PM

    I'm the girl that will flip you off as I pass you for driving so slow.

  • Ellie  
    March 1, 2010 at 12:49 PM

    No holds barred, I see.

  • Jen O.  
    March 1, 2010 at 1:18 PM

    By the way, when I called you an asshole just now, I did it out of respect. Can you tell I'm Canadian now? I had name-callers remorse.

  • Anonymous  
    March 1, 2010 at 1:51 PM

    I'm with lbluca77. I will flip you off as I drive by your slow ass.

  • Ryan  
    March 1, 2010 at 1:57 PM

    I'm the guy who couldn't think of anything funny to say in response to your excellent post.

  • Scribe  
    March 1, 2010 at 2:21 PM

    I'm the girl who will hit the brake pedal as soon as I notice you tailgating and then change lanes before you can WHILE flipping you the bird.

  • Surprisingly Bright  
    March 1, 2010 at 2:31 PM

    I'm the girl buring a hole in the back of your head with all the fire I can summon in my death stare as you scan your 15+ items at the express lane at the grocery store.

  • Christie  
    March 1, 2010 at 3:33 PM

    You are also the guy that questions my every turn in the car, yet your way is always. always. wrong.

  • Fat Sparrow  
    March 1, 2010 at 3:34 PM

    I'm the girl whacking you in the balls (What? You're like 18 feet tall, it's not like I can reach your head!) for not using a coaster.

  • shannon  
    March 1, 2010 at 3:55 PM

    Jay! Helllooo, water and wood don't mix!! Duh. I'd punch you out if you didn't use a coaster at my house. Other than that, I can let everything else slide. Well maybe except stealing the last pizza slice. We'll battle that one out to the death.

  • Amanda West  
    March 1, 2010 at 4:21 PM

    Dude, more than ten items in the express lane, and you don't clear the microwave timer?

    Err... That makes my blood boil just thinking about it.

    Hm, now I need to go chew a nerve pill.

  • Ed  
    March 1, 2010 at 4:34 PM

    So you're THAT fucking guy?!?!

    I've been looking for you.

    You owe me beer money bitch.

  • Moooooog35  
    March 2, 2010 at 8:15 AM

    I'm the guy who is using the rest of the napkins you took while improperly surfing for porn.

    You might want to sit at a different table.

  • carissajade  
    March 2, 2010 at 9:04 AM

    I would say your an asshole, except that I'm guilty of pretty much all of those too. Except for the porn thing...

  • Christian  
    March 2, 2010 at 10:31 AM

    Amen, brother. I've been computer-virus-free since the 90's.

  • kathcom  
    March 2, 2010 at 12:46 PM

    Pizza, napkins--it's all good, bro. But 15+ items in the express lane? No, no, no!

  • Graygrrrl  
    March 2, 2010 at 3:16 PM

    I'm pretty sure I've guilty of all of those save the porn. part of the reason I like to get to theatres so early is so I can put my purse in the seat next to me then tell you it's saved. PS- It's not, I just don't want to sit next to strangers. I've heard they smell

  • RandaRoo  
    March 3, 2010 at 12:58 PM

    I'm just finding your blog through the Bloggess' comments, I'm finding awesomeness through awesome. Anyway, I just wanted to ask if you might be my boyfriend secretly blogging behind my back. HE DOES ALL OF THOSE THINGS!
    And now I have to read some more to get more evidence.

  • Christie  
    March 3, 2010 at 1:05 PM

    Thankfully, you are the guy that has a wife that keeps your smart ass in line. And from being killed. You are one lucky bitch.

  • Bridget Callahan  
    March 5, 2010 at 12:48 PM

    But are you the guy who also, on top of all that asshattery, makes his girlfriend feel bad when her place isn't as clean as his?

    Because the windshield thing leads me to believe that.

    I would love to invent some sort of invisible dye you could spray your car glass with that would only react to human skin touching it. And by react, I mean, become a powerful acid that eats your trespassing finger off.

  • Amanda  
    March 6, 2010 at 12:04 PM

    I'm really only OCD about clearing the timer on the microwave....well, and maybe the utensils as well.

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