I'm the Guy Who Has No OCD Friends for a Reason  

As a follow-up to my last post, regarding everyone's capacity for dickheadery when an elevator is involved, I wanted to try and balance the scales with a confessional of sorts. I'm far from the perfect person, and I know for a fact that my actions are quite often the bane of someone else's existence. A few (if not too many) great examples include:
  • I'm the guy who takes 15+ items into the express lane at the grocery store.
  • I'm the guy who is always driving slower than you.
  • I'm the guy who nicknamed you "Emoticonnie" for putting smileys in the subject line of work emails.
  • I'm the guy who only comes to sports parties for the beer.
  • I'm the guy who takes the last slice of pizza without even attempting to first make eye contact with you.
  • I'm the guy who could give two shits about using your coaster.
  • I'm the guy who grabs a giant wad of napkins from the dispenser and only uses half of them.
  • I'm the guy who infected your computer with a virus in 1999 because I didn't how to properly surf for porn.
  • I'm the guy who doesn't clear the timer on the microwave when I'm done using it.
  • I'm the guy who can't remember your name, so I fake introduce you to someone in order to hear you say it.
  • I'm the guy who always steals the armrest from you.
  • I'm the guy who will sincerely ask for your advice and then do the exact opposite of what you suggested.
  • I'm the guy who is so fidgety it makes some people nervous.
  • I'm the guy who you can hear typing in the background while we're on the phone.
  • I'm the guy who puts ketchup on "good" food.
  • I'm the guy who swears in front of elderly people, falsely assuming that they've heard it all by now.
UPDATED!! Turns out I'm an ever bigger dick than previously realized!
  • I'm the guy who consistently puts utensils in the wrong section of the utensil separator.
  • I'm the guy who thinks french fries belong on top your hamburger and/or hot dog.
  • I'm the guy who has never sent a thank-you note in his life.
  • I'm the guy who writes on your dirty car windshield.
  • I'm the guy who doesn't care which way the roll of toilet paper is facing.
Before you start sharpening your pitchforks, allow me to clarify that I will usually bring some beer to your party, just not as much as I plan on drinking, and well, let's just say I've learned more than enough to ensure I won't be crashing your computer anytime soon.

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