Freestyle Friday: I Should Probably Just Take the Stairs  

There aren't many awkward social situations you'll find yourself forced into on a daily basis, save one painful exception for those of us who work and/or live in a building with an elevator. At a glance it doesn't seem like such a big deal; you get in, cover some vertical ground, and ka-blammo -- destination achieved. How hard could that possibly be? Sadly, as with so many other retardedly simple things, you can always count on the stupids to make it difficult for the rest of us.

I'm fully aware that I have pronounced elevator issues. Like when someone rushes into the elevator without first giving others a chance to exit. It's called waiting your turn, people, which is some day 1 kindergarten shit right there. You managed to master wiping your poophole and not stabbing yourself in the eye with scissors, yet you have trouble remembering not to charge the elevator door like it was Wal-Mart on Black Friday?

Don't even get me started on the ridiculously forced conversations that happen once the doors close and the awkwardness hits full stride. I loathe this even more when they think it smart to add mirrors to the elevator walls. Sure, it gives the illusion of space, but it also greatly reduces the number of places I can stare off blankly into.

Hands down the worst part of the whole ordeal begins before you even board the elevator in the first place, when all that's required of you is a simple push of a button and an ounce of patience. Contrary to what seems to be the overwhelmingly popular belief, you only have to do this once. Crazy shit I know. Interesting fact: the straightforward user interface with which you call the elevator is in NO WAY similar to the one that is used to play Mario Party. Meaning that the faster and crazier you wail on that button, the only thing you're speeding up is the formation of onlooker's opinions of your doucheness.

There is also a special place reserved in hell 2.0 for what I like to call the "re-pushers". You might know them better as "A-wads who like to insult your intelligence by re-pushing a button that you've already illuminated". Would you get behind someone in line for something and say Hey buddy. Yeah you. I want you to go right before me, you got it? Or maybe you'd prefer to paint the exact same painting over someone else's work of art? It may surprise you to learn that I'm generally an empathetic, devil's advocate kind of guy, but I've got nothing when it comes to defending people who do this. In fact, to thwart re-pushers, whenever I find myself waiting alone for a new elevator (that I'm not tied to professionally), I adorn the button panel with one of these special stickers I created:

What can I say? You've got to be the change you wish to see in the world. I'm more than happy to share the full sheet, printer label-friendly version of this with my fellow elevator freedom fighters out there... all you have to do is drop me a line.

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23 Reasons to Live

  • miss. chief  
    February 26, 2010 at 5:55 AM

    HOLY CRAP that's one of my biggest pet peeves as well! Can you make some of those stickers for the cross-walk light buttons? Because people go fucking bananas on those things. Even though half of the time the buttons are just there to give people the illusion of some kind of power so they don't go running all willy-nilly across busy roads.

  • Jen O.  
    February 26, 2010 at 6:01 AM

    I'm such a social retard that when I get into an elevator with people already inside, I tend to forget to press the button for my floor and I end up going on a complete tour of the building. Because sometimes, to press the button, you have to talk to people or step close to them and I'm not willing to do any of those things.

  • Miss Yvonne  
    February 26, 2010 at 6:08 AM

    My office has the mirror elevators. Oooh, I hate those bitches. Where the hell do you look when you are trying to avoid a conversation with the weirdo in there with you?

    I do enjoy them when I'm in there alone though. Gives me an excellent space to practice my sweet dance moves. Kind of like a moving dance studio.

    They probably have security cameras in there, right? Oh shit.

  • Shannon  
    February 26, 2010 at 6:24 AM

    You should make a sticker that says "Chuck Norris already pushed this button" and I bet it would never happen again.

  • Logical Libby  
    February 26, 2010 at 6:35 AM

    I will press the buttons as many damn times as I want! I might even press it with my tongue! Yeah, my tongue!

    Or maybe not.

  • shine  
    February 26, 2010 at 8:32 AM

    You don't really KNOW these people have mastered wiping their pooholes. Don't give them too much credit.

    Making awkward conversation in the elevator is one of my favorite things to do. Right up there with making awkward conversation with strangers in lines. People get SO freaked.

  • Tys on Ice  
    February 26, 2010 at 8:56 AM

    yep...thats so damn true...

    i have a problem with the chappie who pushes both the buttons ( up and down) when waiting for the elevator...

  • Johnson  
    February 26, 2010 at 9:43 AM

    In defense of the re-pushers, there is no feeling more satisfying than walking past a few people waiting for the elevator, realizing the button actually isn't illuminated, and looking at them with contempt/pity/disgust as you push the button for them.

  • Gillian  
    February 26, 2010 at 9:47 AM

    I would like to join the crosswalk chorus with miss.chief. I live at a crazy busy intersection, but I've lived there long enough that I know exactly how the lights are timed and when they will change. I've actually taken to saying something when people go nuts on the button because it's so fucking annoying. Usually it's either "You know that doesn't help, right?" or when the light finally changes "Hey, it worked!" It actually isn't very satisfying though, so I would really like some of those stickers.

  • Molly Potter  
    February 26, 2010 at 10:11 AM

    I enjoyed your post

    but mostly

    wanted to be your tenth reason to live

  • Ryan  
    February 26, 2010 at 11:13 AM

    When this happens I always take it as an insult to my button pushing skills. They are saying that I look like the kind of guy who doesn't have enough finger strength to properly push a button. Like the elevator won't respect a feather touch as mine and will disobey the signal I sent.

    This is probably why I use the stairs.

  • Pearl  
    February 26, 2010 at 4:26 PM

    I work on the 47th floor of a building and know whereof you speak.

    There should be rules.


  • Amanda West  
    February 26, 2010 at 6:03 PM

    Haha! Elevators suck! I mean, what was wrong with stairs in the first place...?

    Standing still for so long in awkward silence with a bunch of complete stangers always sends me into a panic attack.

  • Fat Sparrow  
    February 27, 2010 at 12:35 AM

    Fact: If you push the "Door Close" (why can't they say "Close Door"? Was it re-translated into English from Japanese or somthing?) button immediately upon entering the elevator, and then push the floor button you want, it will be faster. Time it and see. Plus you get to totally fuck other people over.

    On a side note... Once, upon entering an elevator that was going to be going up 10 floors, the Spouse Sparrow accidentally let one rip right after the door closed. If you think you give other elevator people dirty looks, you should have seen the ones he got.

  • Jennifer  
    February 27, 2010 at 10:29 AM

    I've never lived anywhere that had an elevator, but anytime I use one I just use the "awkward girl in the corner" face and gaze into my shoes while picking at my fingernails. Generally people leave me alone, and I don't look like I'm too much of a weirdo.

  • Toe  
    February 27, 2010 at 12:36 PM

    That sticker is awesome.

  • Marinka  
    February 27, 2010 at 7:45 PM

    Sometimes I forget to push the button. And then someone comes by and I'm just standing there. Like an idiot. Ok, idiotically.

  • Tgoette  
    February 27, 2010 at 10:32 PM

    Now that's a great sticker! And it's universally needed too! Too many 'tards on this little blue marble of ours and it's getting a bit tiresome telling them all off for thinking their finger is somehow more magical than mine. Great post!

  • hotpants™  
    February 28, 2010 at 12:00 PM

    How hard is it to wait to make sure someone's not getting off the elevator before you get on? I deal with this every day.

  • verybadcat  
    February 28, 2010 at 1:04 PM

    you really haven't lived until you've had a walk of shame that involved an elevator.

    i hate elevators.

  • Christie  
    March 1, 2010 at 7:36 AM

    I fucking knew you would come to the dark side.

  • kathcom  
    March 2, 2010 at 12:44 PM

    My husband HATES re-pushers. Have you noticed how they'll usually do it kind of sheepishly as if they don't want to come out and say they don't trust your push.

    I think it would be really cool to just stand in front of random elevators and not push any buttons, see how long people would wait. Maybe not.

    One thing I like to do is body-check people who won't get out of the way when subway doors open. I especially like doing it to tall, burly men. Since they don't have their feet planted, it's really easy to knock them off balance to the general merriment of all. If you don't live in a city with subways, move to one. Trust me, you'll enjoy it.

  • Amanda  
    March 6, 2010 at 12:00 PM

    Haha, for all the douches out there lol. The button is lit up = no reason to push it again. This reminds me of people who like to go psycho on crosswalk buttons...

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