It's the End of the World... as I Know It  

The other day I was watching a copy of 2012 that some 13-year-old Swedish kid recorded with their iPhone and uploaded to the internet, and it really started to sink in how much bullshit must be behind any apocalyptic warning whose only discernible omen is convincing John Cusack that he's an action film star. Even if such atrocities weren't a factor, how can we trust the Mayans to have predicted the end of days a couple thousand years in advance when they didn't even see their own virgin-fueled society collapsing a few hundred years later? It seems just as plausible then that I, a man whose only soothsaying experience is having seen Minority Report seven times, offer up my top three armageddon scenarios for the next ten years.

Scenario #1 - Informational Overload

Likely because: Knowledge truly is power. In the not too distant future, people's brains will be hard-wired with a device that allows learning by proxy, in that you will be able to instantly upload whatever information you wish into your head. Yes, just like The Matrix.

Why it will bring about the end of the world: Several planet-killing possibilities come to mind here, but the most likely is that some hillbilly will accidentally upload himself with all there is to know about fission in a misguided attempt at becoming the next great bassmaster, and he instead builds enough nuclear warheads in his sleep to wipe out civilization as we know it

Where I will be during all of this:
Reveling in my newly-uploaded (and admittedly somewhat ironic) ability to sing all of the words to REM's "It's the End of the World as We Know It".

Scenario #2 - Zombie Attack

Likely because: Given the high degree with which we cross-consume pharmaceuticals, ultra-violent media, and untested third world food additives, it's only a matter of time before someone unknowingly ingests a blend of the three that leaves them with both the ability to cheat death and a taste for human flesh.

Why it will bring about the end of the world: People are compassionate, sometimes to a fault. Others will continue offering medical assistance to the zombies until there are too many of them to deal with in a civil manner. By the time the world gets wise, grows a pair, and finally attempts undead genocide, it will in all likelihood be too late.

Where I will be during all of this: On an island with my family and whatever survivors were found along the way; self-sufficient, a cache of weaponry stockpiled, grooming my son to re-seed the world, still trying to get a decent internet connection.

Scenario #3 - Tiger Woods Cast in the Next Twilight Movie

Likely because: The only way these Twilight people could make more money is if they somehow found a way to get even MORE free publicity. That and Tiger is already kind of like a vampire, just in reverse; instead of stealing bodily fluids from others to survive, he apparently must leave them inside of skanky white girls.

Why it will bring about the end of the world: The dynamic duo of sparkly vampires and what Tiger's penis has been doing will create a news frenzy unlike that which the world has ever seen. Once this blob of media oversaturation merges with the consumer goliath that is the Twilight fan base, everyone turns so overwhelmingly emo that even they can't stand how fake they've become, resulting in the first ever TwiCon/mass suicide fan event in Forks, WA, which will be attended by 99% of the world's population.

Where I will be during all of this: Beer in hand, still not giving a shit about either of those things. My wife will be turning my empties into Molotov cocktails to hurl at Chris Weitz.

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