The Stoner Diaries: College-Level Snack Engineering  

If you've been paying attention, you might recall that most of my years at college (as well as several thereafter) were spent nestled in the cushy herbal bosom of Mary Jane. In all of my posts to date on this subject, I've merely shared and critiqued with you several of my inspired yet hollow journal entries from that particular time and state of mind. Today I thought I'd take a different track by focusing not only on those college years, but specifically on our peculiar eating habits while under the influence.

Readers of this blog are already familiar with the legendary Breakfast Stack, and on a broader scale you should all intimately know of the life-shortening meals featured on This is Why You're Fat. Now take those creations, throw in a little stoner ingenuity, sprinkle with a diluted sense of self worth, set the whole thing to the music of 311, and you've got yourself a lifestyle. Perhaps not the kind of lifestyle most conducive with a proactive learning experience though. Whatever the cost to my education, there are many thanks needed to both my raging metabolism and Ultimate Frisbee, which kept my "freshman 15" from turning into the "freshman loses foot to diabetes."

It's true that most days were an adventure into some unknown culinary wonderland of trans fatty acids and high-fructose dreams, but there were also numerous homebrew treats we revisited frequently enough to warrant naming them. From these I have chosen a handful that, for your gastric pleasure, I'd like to share with you today:

The Porkorito: Bacon and eggs drizzled with maple syrup (butter-flavored of course), wrapped in giant slice of country ham.

The Popped Artery Tart: Peanut butter and bacon sandwiched between two toasted s'mores Pop Tarts.

Ghetto Nachos: Cool ranch Doritos, drizzled with melted Velveeta (Kraft singles cheese slices can also be used in a pinch), and dipped in bowl of hot sauce. And by "bowl of hot sauce," I of course mean the bowl that I emptied out 100 single serving packets of Taco Bell fire sauce into.

The Humbow-Chicka-Wa-Wa: Pork and/or bean curd humbow, battered and fried in Bisquick, served with ranch and honey mustard dipping sauces.

The Buttermilkshake: Equal parts cheap vodka and buttermilk, done shooter-style. [Note: this drink was created as a punishment by my college roommate, with only one person known to have actually imbibed it. A person that thankfully wasn't me.]

Time Bombs: Jalapeno poppers fresh from the heat lamps at the Circle K located just off campus, injected and overflowing with Easy Cheese.

Hamburger Pie: 6-8 of the basic hamburgers from Whataburger, laid out in a baking dish, covered in 4 medium orders french fries, shredded cheese, and topped off with a can of Wolf chili. Recommended that you stay within sprinting distance of a bathroom after this one.

The English Accent: Fish sticks, steak fries, malted vinegar, and lots of tartar sauce on a french roll, dipped in Au Jus (yes, I know the name is hardly befitting, but c'mon, we were really high at the time).

I think that these dishes speak more for themselves than I ever could. Sure, some (OK most) of them I would happily eat to this day, although that's not saying I wouldn't be fearful of what they might do to me. And that goes for you as well dear reader, which is why in an act of community service I'll be ending today's post with an optional link to this photo of a diseased heart. It's for your own good and you know it.

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15 Reasons to Live

  • Lora  
    September 9, 2009 at 9:38 AM

    okay, here's mine.

    Italian sub (toasted), topped with doritos and cheesesteak meat, wrapped in a giant slice of pizza. Washed down with Dr. Pepper mixed with milk.

    Here in Philly you don't have to walk more than a block to get any one of those items. Which is good when you can't walk more than a block.

  • James  
    September 9, 2009 at 9:59 AM

    Oh man. Hamburger pie. Kids, guess what's for dinner tomorrow night.

    My regular in college was a crunchy taco supreme wrapped inside a chili cheese burrito and doused in Fire sauce. (One of the most underrated condiments in the world, by the way.)

    My personal favorite heart attack inducer: a philly cheese steak but with equal parts bacon and steak. Plus mayo. Not quite the creative abomination like you've highlighted here, but man did those things slide straight down my throat directly into my right ventricle.

    Still can't figure out why my doc thinks I have a "cholesterol problem."

  • shine  
    September 9, 2009 at 10:13 AM

    Given that I haven't partaken in this particular herbal supplement, I will only say this:

    Kraft singles are in no way related to actual cheese.

    That being said, as a kid, I used to eat cheese and crackers topped with squeeze-y cheese in a can cheese (also not related to actual cheese) and a Cheetos Puff Cheeto. For realz.

  • Elise  
    September 9, 2009 at 11:56 AM

    Hi, just wanted to leave you a note because I really enjoyed this post, and to say - hello !. You have a great site here - really interesting. Thankyou for sharing it and best wishes... lovely to meet you, as it were....

  • Vic  
    September 9, 2009 at 12:59 PM

    Porkorito. Mmmmmm....

    When I was a kid we made a "salad" consisting of a can of tamales, a can of chili, shredded cheese, and nacho cheese, all poured over a bed of Fritos.

    Also a lettuce leaf. That's what made it salad.

  • Anonymous  
    September 9, 2009 at 4:04 PM

    Ok. I don't eat ANY of those. So why does MY blog bring up the "Your Ass is Fat" diet???

  • f8hasit  
    September 9, 2009 at 5:14 PM

    Had I known of the 'menu' you have comprised when I was in college...I could've opened a restaurant.
    Great post. Came by way of Fever, can't wait to delve into more of the archives. Good stuff.
    You've a new fan.

  • Some Guy  
    September 9, 2009 at 8:01 PM

    Incredible post! The s'mores pop tart/PB/bacon one sounds horrifyingly tempting. I vaguely remember one night making something that involved Nutella and Cap'n Crunch and thinking "This is the most delicious thing I've ever created." Sadly, I could never recall the rest of the magical ingredients.

  • Monkey Girl  
    September 10, 2009 at 8:21 AM

    Okay, I read the list to my husband and the Hamburger Pie (casserole, really) really made him smile.

    The off campus Weinersnitzel was a home away from home for him.

    Personally I sat in the car instead, for it made my gag reflex go into overdrive.

  • Loretta  
    September 10, 2009 at 8:49 AM

    Some of those actually sound good. My primary college food was simply a combo of French Vanilla Cappaccinos and sour patch kids.

  • Graygrrrl  
    September 10, 2009 at 9:27 AM

    Some of those were really gross! The featured item at this years State Fair (reason #2 is rocks to live in Dallas) is fried butter. That's right, you heard it. Apparently, when you bite into it, butter oozes out. I hope they have paramedics standing by. Can't wait!

  • verybadcat  
    September 10, 2009 at 10:56 AM

    The Freshman 15- this is the first thing I'm happy to miss out on, seeing as how I'm in college now in my late twenties. ;)

    Herbally Inspired Yummies:

    The Thanksgiving Leftover Sammich

    Leftover turkey (dark meat!)

    Cornbread Dressing, smashed into patties and fried in butter till golden brown

    Gravy (use as a mayo substitute)

    Cranberry Jello Mold (i put it in the middle where it doesn't touch the gravy, cause i'm a girl like that)

    Serve on buttered grilled texas toast.

    Yum! I've been known to add a layer of green bean casserole, but only if I'm drunk too.

  • Children of the 90s  
    September 10, 2009 at 3:00 PM

    Is it bad if sometimes I go on This Is Why You're Fat and think everything's really delicious? Only if I'm really hungry. Or sort of hungry. Okay, or even not hungry at all.

  • Anonymous  
    September 11, 2009 at 12:44 PM

    I think I might be sick.

  • FilmFemme  
    September 16, 2009 at 11:53 AM

    (1) I want to be your best friend when you were in college

    (2) My parents would let me eat peanut butter & jelly in a bowl for breakfast at least once a week. Should my later forays into stonedness have come as any surprise?

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