The Paula Abdul to my MC Skat Kat  

Today I'm taking part in a very special blog swap, and not just special because I've known this person for something like 40 years, but because our blogs are pretty much the only things left we haven't swapped. I'm referring to none other than my wife Christie, and the various fluids/undergarments that have been swapped between us throughout the years. The interesting thing about these posts is how we both landed on the same topic -- our inherent differences -- despite a complete lack of discussion on what we would be writing on. Enjoy her take on the subject below, and don't forget to check out Christie's blog for a look-see at my postastical contribution.

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Well, hi. Most of you know who I am, but just in case, I’ll make an introduction. I’m Christie, Jay’s personal plaything. I mean wife. Same difference, really. We have been talking about guest posting for awhile, but we’ve both been busy with our lives, so he finally just set a date and told me to do it or else. Kind of like how we decided to get married. The one thing he did not do is tell me what we should write about. We tossed around ideas for awhile, but since we couldn’t decide on a mutual thing, we're going our own ways. Now, I am not the creative genius my husband is, so feel free to walk away from your computer now and come back in a few days when this post is buried. Let’s get started, shall we?

Although my husband and I agree on many things, like bacon being its own food group, sports are boring as fuck to watch on television, VBS is only acceptable because it gives mommy and daddy free time in the long summer months, 311 is one of the best bands ever, roller coaster riding should be a full time job, spiders are the spawn of Satan, vampire Bill is awesome, Grateful Dead sucks, and Star Wars is the shit; we disagree on some major points as well.
  1. Beer. I think it is disgusting. I promised myself that when I could buy my own alcohol, I would never drink beer again. Don’t get me wrong, it got the job done in high school out in the woods, but there is nothing worse than a beer hangover, beer farts, or beer vomit. Jay has tried for years to get me to like it, and I think he’s finally sick of saying “Just try it” and being rejected.
  2. Sex being a weapon or bargaining chip. He thinks it should not be used in this form, and I totally disagree. I know that is one thing he’ll do almost anything for. Plus, he knows if I want something bad enough, I’ll usually slut myself out for it (like a Kit-Kat or chocolate chip cookies). So he’s using it just as much as me.
  3. Internal organs being edible. I vomit whenever Jay turns on Bizarre Foods, yet he can sit there and eat dinner while he watches that guy eat fried bladder. I’m the girl who throws up when she tosses out the pouch that comes in the turkey.
  4. Morning sex. Mostly because of the breath issue. Plus, when I’m awake, I can lay in bed for maybe 5 minutes before I become restless and need to get up. Jay is so not a morning person, so he will try anything to stay in bed longer.
  5. Eating cute animals. Jay has tried almost everything there is to try in the way of meats. I on the other hand have a very firm policy of “if it was cute when it was alive, I’m not eating it”, and although I did have a leather coat made of lambskin, I didn’t eat the thing. Plus that thing was sooooo soft I couldn’t turn away from it.
  6. Living in the woods vs. living by the ocean. Jay is terrified a tsunami is going to kill us if we live on the beach, and I’m scared of wild animals and being killed like all the other idiots that live in the woods in movies. Which is also why I believe camping is just stupid.
  7. Scary movies. Why would I pay good money to scare myself silly and then not be able to sleep without nightmares for a week? Back in the good old days, when I was much more willing to do things to impress him, I went and watched 13 Ghosts and Resident Evil. Then proceeded to be scared shitless for several weeks afterward. After that, I just decided if he wanted me bad enough, he could watch that shit with his friends. Besides, the last chick flick he took me to in a theater was Miss Congeniality, and thanks to you guys and the 31 days of chick flicks, that will probably stay the last too. Thanks.
  8. Twilight. Shut up. It is too awesome. And yes, if Edward was real, I would totally dump Jay and let him do horrible nasty things to me. Jay believes if Edward ever did come knocking on my door, I would call him a pussy within a week because he is one.
  9. Nature. I’m totally down with nature. From the car on the road or in pictures. I dislike animals, bugs, trees, and dirty water. My idea of roughing it is Motel 6. I require running water, a comfy bed, and a coffee pot accessible at all times. I’m sure Jay would love to hike deep in the woods and then set up camp for a week. I shudder at the thought. Has he never seen The Blair Witch Project? People camp and get lost all the time, and there are plenty of evil people out there. Hello, why are you looking for trouble in the wilderness?
  10. ABBA. It’s not me that likes them, that’s for sure. And maybe Jay’s opinion has changed since we watched that Mama Mia! bullshit a few months ago. If I could go back in time, it would be to kill ABBA so that movie was never made, so I would never have had to watch it.
  11. Old people. Other than my grandparents, I have very little patience with them. They are slow, think they know everything, have little regard for minding their own fucking business, and feel that because they have been around since the Stone Age they deserve to cut in line. Jay is much more calm and respectful. I don’t know how he can be that way after the swine flu Queen sneezed all over him on the bus. Bitch would have been dead had she done it to me.
Even with all the differences between us, we make it work. He bought me an Edward Cullen poster to hang over my side of the bed, and I make him beer ice cream whenever he wants it.

Plus, I’m the only one that knows where his only ticklish spot is, and he’s got some pictures that I’m not too proud of, so neither of us is going anywhere.

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13 Reasons to Live

  • The Peach Tart  
    September 18, 2009 at 10:28 AM

    I loved this post. Please come back again to guest post. I agree about the beer. Yuk! I definitely also use sex as a weapon. I've got a little something in mind today to bargain for.

  • Little Miss Sarcasm  
    September 18, 2009 at 10:34 AM

    Hold. The. Phone! You have a recipe for "beer ice cream"? I must have that. Please?

  • Ed Adams  
    September 18, 2009 at 10:44 AM

    Sounds like he found his match.

  • Fat Sparrow  
    September 18, 2009 at 11:26 AM

    Excellent post!

    Completely agree with you on the beer, sex, and internal organs thing. I have to pee in the morning; outta my way! Besides, all's fair in love and war, is it not? And the Spouse Sparrow never fails to turn on Bear Grylls while we're eating. Do I want to look at someone eating a decayed camel's stomach while I am noshing? I believe that would be a rhetorical question.

    Eating cute animals: My evil grandmother (as opposed to my valid grandmother) cooked rabbit for Easter when I was 5. 'nough said, I think.

    Twilight: Jay is right. Switch to "Buffy." Death, mayhem, and witty banter, you can't go wrong.

    Nature: Dead on. I'm a Pagan, and I'm allergic to half of nature. If you're ever itching to have a whole lot of people really tell you what they think about you, take a motorhome to a Pagan campout. Oh yeah, until there's a mountain lion alert, and then they all realize how thin the "walls" of their tents are, and suddenly you have 200 new best friends knocking at your RV's door.

    I'm on the fence on ABBA. It's part of my childhood, but then again, chicken pox was too, and I don't want that again.

    Old people: Definitely coming round to your position. We had to move in with my parents, and they are 63 going on 90. They go to bed at 8:30 PM. We aren't allowed to make noise after that. No, really, I'm not kidding. I'm almost 40 and this is my life.

    You know, I had commented on your blog before, and had forgot to put you on my reader. I'll have to go fix that now...

  • Choobie LeBon  
    September 18, 2009 at 1:08 PM

    A Kit Kat? hahaha! Made me laugh.

    And yes, Christie, you would be calling that glitter-covered daytime "vampire" Eddie Cullen a pussy almost immediately. Then Blade or Buffy can visit him...

  • Christie  
    September 18, 2009 at 2:13 PM

    Who doesn't use sex as a weapon? Only people that aren't having sex. Men are just as guilty.

  • Monkey Girl  
    September 18, 2009 at 7:40 PM

    Nature is overrated...trust me on this. Bugs kill.

    All men and women use sex as a tool. If you have it, use it.

    A tsumani? That's hilarious, especially considering where we live.

    Sex in the morning can be good. No need to kiss really, if you're doing it right.

    Eating cute animals? Honey, I've lived in Asia. The gag reflex starts up just by walking thru the grocery store. The smells are what get you though.

    ABBA? Really? Jay? I've lost a little bit of respect for you. Even my 11 yr old hates ABBA. And rightly so!

    Christie, you rock girl. Keep the posts coming.

  • Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness  
    September 18, 2009 at 10:54 PM

    Yeh I am pretty done with beer myself. ONLY at Octoberfest and its a chore. Like coffee its an aquired taste and I am old enough not to drink or eat what I hate. Beets...you've been called out.

    Living by the see is how the evil octopi getcha. I would rather try to fool a dumb bear than a crafty bitter cephalopod

    In Australia they are promoting the eating of kangaroo meat. I never thought about the face of any food I enjoy till I heard that. Just can't do it. Chickens and cows and pigs are ugly so have at em. But do you see that little Joey?

    Twilight is for fat girls who will never get laid till they drink too much at College and go home with their Prof's marking assistant.

    You better get to be liking nature cause that its all gonna be one big campapalooza when the zombie apocalypse happens

    But I will end with agreement on old people. They all smell like soup...cream soup...and not the cream soup you like...the other one.

  • Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness  
    September 18, 2009 at 10:59 PM

    And I wasn't calling YOU fat for liking twilight. If you can sex it up and STILL get the kit-kat then you must be what the kids call a 'honey pot'

  • hotpants™  
    September 22, 2009 at 10:59 AM

    Jay likes ABBA? What?!?!

    Edward is not a pussy. He is sensitive and brooding.

    Vampire Bill is great, but vampire Eric is phenomenal.

  • Kelly  
    September 23, 2009 at 10:25 PM

    I can't wait until you're old and decide you hate young people. It's coming. I know it.

  • Christie  
    September 26, 2009 at 7:49 AM

    Kelly, I already hate teenagers. They have the same issues as old people.

  • Juice  
    October 1, 2009 at 1:25 AM

    Baha your wife is funny, she has beer farts..

    I'm, I'm, I'm... so startled!

    Thank you for reminded me of that Christie.

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