Orgazmo May Have Found His Equal  

It's Friday, which can mean only one thing -- I'm not wearing any pants. OK so maybe it means two things, as I seem to have formed a semi-weekly habit out of gracing Friday's page with ridiculously awesome guest bloggers, a habit you'll be pleased to know I'm not breaking any time soon. Today I'm going blog-for-blog with Shine, puppet master of the red-headed sideshow known as Shine Out Loud, where all things socially surreal, grammatically sublime, and cleavage-related are posted for the collective enjoyment of humanity. Once you've exhausted her archives (TWSS?), you'll realize why I couldn't be more humbled to have such a high-caliber blogger harass me nonstop for months about guest posting.


Jay has been begging me to guest post for months now.

That’s just a lie. He asked once, I agreed on the condition that he had to write one for me, too. So I sat down and wrote something up that day… and months later, he finally got his ass in gear and put something on paper. Apparently, he’s a master procrastinator (and probably something else that rhymes with procrastinator, but I couldn’t say for sure).

I had this great story all written up about how I met Jay (yes, that may be my favorite picture. Of. All. Time). Except that I haven’t met Jay and what I wrote up didn’t really present Jay in the best of lights (What? So I might have suggested he was a molester of some small animal, is that really something to get all sensitive about? I think not) and he’s never really done anything to deserve such treatment, so I decided not to be mean and leave you with this (But if you want the story, please send me an email and a $100 PayPal donation. I’m having car troubles and it’s totally worth $100 to hear the story):

Since I’m not posting at my own home, I figured it would be safe to reveal my super power to you. If anyone is really good with cape-making, I could use one.

As I may have mentioned in the comments section of another of Jay’s guest posts, I dated a guy for a really long time who…couldn’t last a really long time (he was really good with other things, though)*. Like, five minutes was a marathon. No, it wasn’t always like that.

Only about 95% of the time.

Two minutes was more the average. Instead of crying about it, I decided to make the best of the situation*. I learned what I liked and how I liked it and proceeded to figure out how to get it done quickly*.

This took a lot of practice on my own personal time*. A lot of practice together*. A lot of patience*. And a lot of ice cream.

What? I like sweet stuff after I get my business*.

Sounds like torture, doesn’t it?

After a while, he couldn’t beat me to the punch no matter how hard he tried*. Which is just a stupid thing to do anyway, really. It really shouldn’t be a race, fellas.

My super power is the ability to have an orgasm in thirty seconds*. Or less*. Even the first time*. (As long as I get to be on top*. Unless you’ve got some mad skills, it will probably take me at least a minute missionary style*.) I don’t even really require foreplay*.

Having said that, when men braggity brag about being able to last for hours, my whole vagina clenches up. Hours?!? Do you know how exhausted I would be by then*? I mean, I need at least thirty seconds recovery between each one, but we’re talkin’… sixty or more orgasms*? The whole idea makes me feel all tingly and sensitive.

I’m a straight up “if you can’t get it done in twenty minutes, you’re doing something wrong” kinda girl. And twenty minutes is even long in my book.

I should also point out (if I ever sleep with you, that is*) that it’s not you. It’s me. You’re not the super star in this bedroom*.

So, what’s your super power?

*If you’re my mom, step-dad, aunt, grandmother, cousin, or coworker: I don’t even know what sex is and I’ve certainly never had it. This post was written by a crazy whore who kidnapped me and stole my identity. But I do like ice cream. That is all.

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12 Reasons to Live

  • Ed Adams  
    September 25, 2009 at 7:35 AM

    The cape should have a big "O" on it.

    Damn, thirty seconds is quick, even for a guy.

    My superpower is that I can part my hair with my tongue. I can also pick door locks with it. Just sayin'

  • Monkey Girl  
    September 25, 2009 at 8:06 AM

    30 seconds or less?

    Impressive for you.

    Embarrassingly sad for him.

    How long did you subject yourself to this kind of torture?

  • Gofahne  
    September 25, 2009 at 9:13 AM

    I'm so on your side O-girl extraordinaire! I will be your sidekick, "Just get it over with so I don't have to fake the 14 O's I'm not gonna have because I REALLY enjoy the first one and then I'd like to get some sleep. Thanks." Hmmm...that's a bit long. I'll just call myself Sally :). Great guest posts on both blogs!!

  • M  
    September 25, 2009 at 10:03 AM

    I'm impressed. I can do it pretty quick on top, but definitely not 30 seconds. Maybe you can teach me a thing or two at our Assless Chaps Party in Honor of Lilu and Maxie's Nuptials.

  • Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness  
    September 25, 2009 at 10:54 AM

    You got the best superpower EVER! I just can tell when the phone is gonna ring.

  • GingerMandy  
    September 25, 2009 at 11:05 AM

    same for me. exactly the same. only problem is afterward i focus on getting the job done, not lasting another 45 minutes. after 15 minutes i pretty much max out. guys seem to think it messed with their "machoism" or something and that it's not cool, but come on guys. get in, get off, get out. wham bam thank you ma'am.

  • Antelope  
    September 25, 2009 at 1:42 PM

    I agree completely. I don't see why the "actual sex" part should take more than five minutes, it just results in chafing.

    Now the lead up, on the other hand...

  • Phronk  
    September 26, 2009 at 9:07 AM

    30 seconds? It takes me that long just to figure out if it's in. *

    My super power is to get things done whenever they need to be done. Better variety and control than a rigid schedule, I say. As we've seen in these comments, people have different opinions about how long it should last. I'm pretty easy going in that regard, so if things are going well, 20 minutes is fine, but with a little warning I can let 'er roll any time before or after that.

    Multiple times, too.

    That's my braggity brag brag story.

    * This implies I have a small penis, but I really only typed it because it sounded funny.

  • Anonymous  
    September 27, 2009 at 10:53 AM

    Honestly - it's YOU. x

  • LiLu  
    September 27, 2009 at 11:48 AM

    I'm so with you. Quality does NOT necessarily mean 3 hours.

    Unless you're taking cold pizza and beer breaks in between.

    Then it's totally cool.

  • Juice  
    October 1, 2009 at 12:11 AM

    Wow we get to share super powers. yay. well. um. shit. I could possibly, and this is a stretch, but I would try just for you.. Shoot in less than thirty!

    Like come on people (Cliché, nice, it's like a uber modern cool pop-cultural thingy), does it really matter if she cums*?

    *Umm. That was me.

    Jay, sorry I'm catching up with all your dated stuff and commently like an attention whore. I'm an arsehole(Aus Sp. Anyway, I like this smut stuff. Miss / ((O)) \ is pretty much awesomer then coco pops. (Do you guys get that stuff)

    ps. Send one american visa when you get the chance. ta

  • Judy  
    October 15, 2009 at 2:29 PM

    Like mother like daughter. And another thing....when he comes to bed after I am sleeping.....DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT

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