Bacon Mondays Would be a Nice Touch Too  

The office has been really quiet lately. Not that there isn't plenty to do, it's just sad that the majority of the current work is project-oriented. As in sit down, shut up, and keep your nose to the screen. During my afternoon commute, I'm able see the hazy outline of dual monitors on the back of my eyelids each time I blink for the whole ride home. There are also times I open up my resume, highlight the line that says "works well independently," and then punch the delete key like it was a talking baby.

I know I'm not the only COCK (Cubicly-Oppressed Corporate Kowtower) out there that feels this way, nor am I attempting to absolve myself from even an indirect responsibility for the situation in general, but neither of those things changes the fact that I often wish I could go to work for some innovative startup, flush with venture capital and young plucky talent. I'm admittedly rounding the corner on young, and the last time I was anything close to plucky it involved nose hair, but I could pull off the role of awkward-yet-approachable office manager who others think is wise simply by virtue of having a wife and children.

Is it that I'm unhappy with what I do or who I do it for? Of course not. Take what you will from the last two paragraphs, so long as you know that there are people who would kill for my job, the current econopocalypse notwithstanding. No matter that most of them are 20 years my senior. I guess the big appeal for me from one of those juicy startups is the work/play integration. I envision arcade games, free snacks, interoffice Nerf gun fights, and monthly work sponsored happy hours. Possibly even some kind of open floor plan conducive to employee communication and high fives. Something tells me that if I were to nail my current boss from across the office with this bad boy, there'd be a lot less high-fiving than there would be me eating the heel of one of his $200 shoes.

So will 2010 be the year I fulfill these workplace fantasies by packing up my administrative genius to help build the next Google? Will I bravely stand before future generations of American business leaders and put the best part of my COCK inside them, while still imparting the important lesson of having fun along the way? Maybe... just maybe. Although probably not, because I kind of need health insurance and a decent paycheck, not to mention the fact that it's hard enough to be productive with the Internet at my fingertips, let alone an endless supply of Oreos and Time Crisis 4.

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13 Reasons to Live

  • valentine  
    September 28, 2009 at 6:03 PM

    there is srsly not enough high five-ing at work.

  • Pearl  
    September 28, 2009 at 7:42 PM

    I've seen those places. I know they're out there. Having rented my brain out by the hour to corporate America for most of my life, I, too, wonder if I should keep moving in search of office paradise or if I should cling to my three-week vacation and unfettered internet access.

    Wait. I feel dizzy...


  • Ed Adams  
    September 28, 2009 at 8:45 PM

    Busy work sucks bad. While getting busy or sucked at work, not so much.

  • James  
    September 28, 2009 at 9:34 PM

    OK, I was, a little let down that there wasn't more bacon involved in this post.

    But "rounding the corner on young" is classic.

  • Jules  
    September 29, 2009 at 3:19 AM

    That is AWESOME! Now I can call Hubby a COCK! Thanks for that!

  • shine  
    September 29, 2009 at 8:54 AM

    "...could pull off the role of awkward-yet-approachable office manager who others think is wise simply by virtue of having a wife and children."

    I hate to tell you this, but having a spouse and being able to procreate isn't necessarily the key to being wise any more. Especially not the youngsters. Maybe a suit of bacon?

  • Lora  
    September 29, 2009 at 10:09 AM

    I woke up in the middle of the night last night because I heard an annoying coworker in my room.

    She wasn't there, she just hadn't gotten out of my head when I left the office.

  • Vic  
    September 29, 2009 at 12:44 PM

    I wrote a post awhile ago about my dream office, which would have slides. Giant twisty slides from floor to floor, like in a picture I saw from a museum in London, I think.

  • Monkey Girl  
    September 29, 2009 at 2:20 PM

    Careful what you wish for.

    The monkey husband wished for (and got) a job with a $$$$ flushed start-up in the silicon valley (just gotten mucho venture capital from Stanford University).

    The reality was working with 30 single twenty-somethings that rolled in at noon (monkey husband had been there since 6am), always wanted to eat lunch together (MH's worst fear realized), have mandatory meetings at 8pm and stay at work till 11pm.

    He was viewed as the token senior citizen at 32 (1998) because he was married and had kids.

    He quit after putting in his minimum 12 month obligation.

    He now opts for a large fortune 500 with good benefits and guaranteed lunch time privacy.

  • LiLu  
    September 29, 2009 at 7:40 PM

    Legumes? Please. No peanut butter is good enough to make me stray from bloody red meat.

  • Maggie May  
    September 30, 2009 at 2:41 AM

    your profile comment cracks me up.

  • Juice  
    September 30, 2009 at 11:55 PM

    Oh how I feel your pain Jay! Been working for four weeks now and Ifeel like my eye balls are ablaze within there sockets. Kind of like Clap to the eyes if you will. Terrible shit isn't it. Oh well, two weeks to go..

  • McLean  
    October 1, 2009 at 10:59 PM

    Dude, did you just coin the phrase econopocalypse?

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