The Stoner Diaries: Misconception Edition  

One of the more curious side effects of putting pen to paper while blitzed out of your mind is that many of the mental filters normally under your employ fall by the wayside. You find that even the loosest of associations can mask themselves as an epiphany, as if your brain had somehow become receptive to an entirely new world of possibilities. The unfortunate reality is that your attention span has just been crippled to the point of giving sincere consideration to things that your sober brain never would. This is exactly why there are so many awful/funny tales of intoxication that end with "it seemed like a good idea at the time."

If we look back into the annals from the hazy purple bubble of my early twenties, many examples of the above phenomenon are represented in my writings. In fact, quite a bit of it reads like the things I generally say in the middle of the night when my Ambien-addled subconscious has me half awake and trying to eat the bed sheet. I randomly pulled one of my old journals for this installment of The Stoner Diaries, out of which I was able to find a great collection of ideas and quips that were simply too advanced for their time. That is too advanced if history is truly an infinite loop and we are doomed as a society to someday repeat the most primitive stages of thought. Here are five of my favorite off-base retardisms that came from this journal, along with a modern day counterpoint for each courtesy of present-day me.

"Patience" is essentially the same thing as "not being an arrogant dick."

First things first; had I put this on a sign it would have immediately been submitted to the Unnecessary Quotation Marks Blog. Secondly, I can think of at least 100 different ways that patience is more likely to manifest itself than by simply refraining to lash out. I suppose now is as good of a time as any to note that the particular journal I'm pulling from today was used during the time I worked the night shift as assistant manager for a national video rental chain.

Story Idea: Helen Keller meets Daredevil meets The Hand That Rocks the Cradle

I have to admit, the pairing of Helen Keller with Daredevil's super sense powers still works for me, but beyond that I'm at a loss for the angle I was going for here. In this tale, would Helen Keller be an underestimated crime-fighter that breastfeeds random children? Or maybe Helen's only weaknesses are picket fences and whenever someone rearranged the furniture without telling her? Sadly for us all, the particulars of this inspired story will in all likelihood lie forever dormant in my damaged subconscious.

If the parables of TV are the only thing we leave for future generations, all we've prepared them for are unrealistic situations.

I dunno... there have been many times in my life when I've needed to keep two people out of the same room, and almost as many that I've done something stupid which requires me to totally redeem myself in under a half hour.

The first step towards universal health care should include the complimentary removal of all knobby facial moles. The savings in therapy related to body image issues would easily cover the costs of the program.

Yeah, OK. Apparently I did have the occasional moment of brilliance back then.

Although chaos is an agent of change, at no time is it harder to create intentional change than it is amidst chaos.

Does that not make your mind blow out the back of your fucking head? Even if one were to argue that life is in a constant state of chaos, or how it is in fact our impermanence that lends to a constant state of change, this remains as empty and useless of a statement as "change is the one thing that never changes." Something tells me I wrote this after a particularly heated battle at the video store, one that took place right around the time Captain Corelli's Mandolin was released on DVD. It didn't seem fair for them to make deductions from someone's wages because they accidentally dropped the box containing every copy of a certain movie. Granted, they were dropped from the roof into a flaming dumpster, but shit people, that's chaos for you. It just happens.

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