If The Hair Loss Didn't Make You Insecure Enough...  

Today I've got another amazing guest post lined up for you, from none other than Lindsey of The World Should be Moisturized fame. How can you not appreciate someone who supports such a flagrant use of lotion? Trust me; there's not a homeless person within a mile of her house who even has chapped lips, that's how committed she is to the cause.

One final note before we get to the chewy nougat center of this post -- despite several odd similarities, I have never met Lindsey in person and she did not write this about me. No seriously.

~~~~~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~~~~~

So, ya know how there are some things that you just shouldn’t blog about? Like, for example, sex with men that aren't your current significant other because maybe your significant other doesn’t want to know about that shit? Or maybe your Dad reads your blog and he shouldn’t read about that one time that that guy did that thing with his tongue that was so great and you were like "Yay!"? That is just one example! I could give you a shit ton, but I won't.

What better way to blog about a bad sexual experience, than to do it on a perfect stranger's blog? I read Jay's blog, but I seriously don’t even know what province state he lives in. (I live in Canada for fuck sakes, we call them provinces.) Anyways, a while back Jay was all like "Hey, if you wanna guest post on my blog, send me an email and let me know if you are interested" and then there was some other shit that said "don't write anything yet, though, just in case you really suck."

But I'm super cool, and totally don't suck. (Right Mom?) So I wrote it anyways.

Here goes.....

I was married really young and it didn’t turn out so well. Go figure! Anycrap, the marriage ended a few years ago. Yay! (Don’t judge peeps). At that point, I was 27 and still in my prime! (Now I'm 30 and just old) I had been with the same man since I was 19, so I had some oats to sow, or some shit. Or maybe I needed to sleep with randoms to fill that giant void inside my soul because of my giant failure of a marriage?

I had some one-nighters. I had some dates that turned into one-nighters. And I had some dates that turned into stalkers. All life experiences that make me the crazy freak great girl I am today.

But this one dude, we'll call him Riley (because that's his name), asked me out on a date. I had met him through my best friend. He was actually her boyfriend's best friend. He seemed nice enough, and I didn’t have anything better going on, so I said yes.

Well, you all know how dates are kind of nerve wracking and weird right? I thought it would be a good idea to try and break the ice about two hours before our date. I called him up and suggested we play a prank on our friends that involved making them think that he stood me up, and that I was sitting around waiting for him. They were both wrecks because they thought I was so sad and pathetically sitting at home waiting for my date that stood me up. We made them think this for about 3 hours, it was hilarious. The prank gave us a false sense of connection, I think. Otherwise we really had nothing in common.

He took me to a nice restaurant for dinner and then to a movie. After the movie we headed to my place with beer as a peace offering for our friends. (My best friend lived with me at the time). Beer didn’t work, and they were still quite mad at us. So instead we drank the beers ourselves and Lindsey (that’s me, btw) got totally drunk, which leads to less inhibitions. Obvs.

But not before we had the "Nioxin" discussion. I'm a hairdresser, and I feel its my duty to tell all the 20-30 something men that if they're losing hair they should use Nioxin. So I tell him all about Nioxin, because he kinda had thin looking hair. (What? I was totally doing him a favor!) Well, he tells me that his friend used Nioxin and that it caused him premature ejaculation issues. Serious! He told me this on our first date. So I was like "Wow, I'm pretty sure that’s a big ole lame excuse for your buddy that gets too excited too early, but whatevs!" He just kind of giggled it off like I did.

We keep drinking the beer, and listening to music and eventually he leans in and kisses me. He was cute enough, I wanted some action, so why not? The kissing eventually leads to sex. (Just like your parents told you it would!) We get undressed and just get started and he's all sweaty and panting and moving really fast and then I realize, "OMG! This is going to be quick!" And it was, sadly, over within two minutes. And while he was climaxing guess what he yelled? GUESS!!!!!

"NIOXIN!"

For real, Jay's readers, for real!

Nioxin has never been the same for me since.

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11 Reasons to Live

  • Jay Ferris  
    July 10, 2009 at 8:48 AM

    Really guys, this wasn't about me.

  • Monkey Girl  
    July 10, 2009 at 10:51 AM

    2 minutes?

    Did he ask you out again after that?

  • Ryan  
    July 10, 2009 at 11:10 AM

    Is yelling "Nioxin!" better or worse than "I'm Sorry, you're too hot! Sorry!" or "I told you not to move so much!" during ejaculation?

    Please let me know before 8 PM EST time.

  • shine  
    July 10, 2009 at 11:45 AM

    Yeah, so I dated a guy for four and a half years who could rarely ever last longer than two minutes (I was young and stupid, okay?). The plus side? I can now have an orgasm faster than you. Trust me. All of you. TMI?

  • John Smith  
    July 10, 2009 at 11:59 AM

    Wow, I never thought of yelling somrthing out at climax, let alone "NIOXIN!". At least it's not delayed orgasm. Torture, that is.

  • Lindsey  
    July 10, 2009 at 1:13 PM

    Yay! Guest blogging is fun!

    Jay- How's the Nioxin working for ya?

    MG-He totally asked me out again!

    Ryan- How bout trying some distraction techniques for increased stamina..eh? Good luck at 8pm.

    Shine-poor girl.

  • James  
    July 10, 2009 at 6:12 PM

    Great story, but I want to know what happens after he yells out "NIOXIN!" I mean, if you just petered out after two minutes and yelled out a random pharmaceutical name, what do you do? Not that I need to know. Really, I'm just curious.

  • rawbean  
    July 10, 2009 at 6:38 PM

    Whoah that is heavy! So he asked you out again....did you go?

  • Lindsey  
    July 10, 2009 at 7:49 PM

    Um..well, I was all like "meh, it's ok. Orgasms are totally overrated..I didnt want one anyways." And then I pushed him off of me and went to sleep.

    The next day, I told my roommate. That was the big mistake, because I did go out with him one more time..it was a double date with roommate and her boyfriend. We all went and watched live music and drank too much. On the way home, my friends boyfriend who's in the back seat, yells out "Nioxin!!!!!!!!". Riley stopped the car, looked at me and said "I cant believe you told them."

    Thats probably why he didnt ask me for date number 3, huh?

    haha. oops.

  • James  
    July 10, 2009 at 11:46 PM

    Ahhh, now that's what I'm talking about! How could you leave out the car scene from the follow up date???

    Reminds me of a similar drunken announcement my wife made regarding something told to her in confidence by one of her friends... but that's another story.

  • Becky  
    July 14, 2009 at 1:37 PM

    That's hilarious -- though I guess it's at least better than another woman or pet's name?

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