Wherein None of it Makes Sense  

Have you ever had one of those weeks where everything starts unraveling at the seams, requiring considerable effort to keep it from splitting all the way open and spilling forth the contents of your life onto the 100mph freeway of existence, where the bulk of it would surely become nothing but another (albeit allegorical) oily stain?

OK, so maybe I'm being a tad melodramatic regarding to my troubles as of late. However, were such a thing allowed, I would have already typed up my official resignation from adulthood and be carrying it around in my pocket, waiting for the perfect moment to leave behind all the accountability and responsibility that comes with being a grown up. After which I'd go jump on a trampoline and eat Oreos all day until I puked.

Perhaps the worst part of such a crappy week is in attempting to decipher the lessons, if any, that lie within it. Or maybe the worst part is actually when you're trying to feel sorry for yourself and notable celebrities start dying left and right. This perks you up a little at the notion that the universe would kill off Michael Jackson for the sole purpose of issuing you some much-needed perspective. Even if the universe neglected to realize that -- while you appreciate his contributions to the betterment of music -- the Michael Jackson you knew and loved died some 20 years ago. But the universe is a son of a whore, and will retaliate by taking legendary pitch- and beardsman Billy Mays to ensure you've properly learned your lesson. While admittedly effective in driving home the trivial nature of our problems when measured against a larger scale, I've nonetheless decided to stand by my original assessment of the universe's mother.

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8 Reasons to Live

  • Becky  
    June 30, 2009 at 3:04 PM

    It does kind of put things into perspective when you hear how a 50-year-old tells his wife he doesn't feel well, goes to bed and never wakes up -- not even knowing that he had heart disease so bad that it would kill him without warning.

    Hope this week is better for you.

  • Shannon  
    June 30, 2009 at 3:21 PM

    I was feeling down there for a while too. Things will look up eventually, just hang in there. We just have to remember that things go wrong so you appreciate them when they are right; and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. Yes, I'm quoting Marilyn Monroe, do not judge me.

  • Mongoliangirl  
    June 30, 2009 at 8:58 PM

    Oh man! If you ever do that trapoline-Oreos-puke thing, just let me know. I will SO be there pucking right along with ya.
    Also? I actually had to take a moment to remember Michael Jackson was still alive. I get that 20 year thing.
    Chin up Jay. It's all good.

  • shine  
    July 1, 2009 at 6:38 AM

    Michael Jackson is...dead? What?!?

    I feel like a little Carly Simon is in order here: You're so vain. You probably think this celebrity death is about you...

    Sorry it was a rough week. But at least you're not dead. And you didn't have to live Michael Jackson's life for the last 20 years.

  • Anonymous  
    July 1, 2009 at 1:45 PM

    Kind of sounds like you and I are both doing some self re-evaluating right now. And I agree, the Michael I loved died 20 years ago.

  • kathcom  
    July 1, 2009 at 3:14 PM

    Karl Malden just died for your sins, man. Repent!

  • McLean  
    July 2, 2009 at 7:17 AM

    I love your epitome of childhood innocence.

    Now I'm gonna quote somebody...you just call....out my name.....and you know....wherever I am, I'll come KICK YOU IN THE JUNK! (emphasis mine)


  • FilmFemme  
    July 13, 2009 at 3:34 PM

    I'm glad I read this today of all days when I really feel like running away from home. Is it too late for that?

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