Daily Chick Flick: Twilight  

We all knew this day was coming, but personally I didn't expect it so soon. It had originally been my plan to wait until the very end to watch Twilight, a plan that was summarily overturned by the executive television powers Christie is granted each Mother's Day. Thankfully I was able to impose an embargo on the extended/deleted scenes, as we own the ultra special deluxe edition, which is as thick as a dictionary and includes two hours of Robert Pattinson talking about himself while he polishes off a pack of Virginia Slims.

Some might have been led to believe that this movie is shielded from the chick flick label because of its sci-fi roots. I encourage those people to click here (SFW) and then come back to finish this post. I can assure you that there has never been a hysterically crying fan at any of the Die Hard movie premieres.

What can I say other than that Twilight didn't stand a chance with me? I'm simply incapable of enjoying a vampire movie when the vampires are this lame. And in case you were somehow unaware, the vampires of Twilight are super lame. Robert Pattinson plays "Edward," who lives with a group of vampires that refer to themselves as "vegetarians" because they no longer eat people, only animals. Which is extremely clever if you try not to think about it. They also apparently have no weaknesses, and can only die by being dismembered and their remains immediately burned to a cinder. Sunlight only makes them sparkle like a bedazzled hoody from Hot Topic. Garlic, well-planted wooden stakes, or silver? Nothing.

Being this kind of vampire really makes it tough to use as a plot device. Having so little weakness, yet trying to convince us that Edward believes himself to be some kind of monster. Because his life is soooo shitty and all. Let's take a quick inventory of the sweet things he is capable of:

  • Super strength
  • Super speed
  • Super healing
  • Sparkling in the sun
  • Doesn't need sleep
  • Immortality
  • Irresistible to the opposite sex
  • Oh yeah, and he can READ FUCKING MINDS

That poor bastard! It must be devastating to be that awesome, especially knowing it comes at the steep cost of:

  • Drinking animal blood
  • Avoiding dismemberment- and disintegration-related accidents.

The main conflict in Twilight comes first from the complicated nature of a vampire/human relationship, and later shifts to a rogue vampire that doesn't abstain from human blood. He gets a whiff of Bella's scent after interrupting her and the other vampires playing baseball (WTF?), and Edward uses his mind powers to learn that he won't stop until Bella is dead. Is anyone else bothered by how convenient all of this is? Is it just assumed that we're so far into the story by this point that we won't simply turn away? Anyway, the vampires all know that this guy is out to kill Bella, but instead of hunting him down first, they stupidly splittup and run. Even though in the very end they have to hunt him down and kill him.

I found everything about Twilight absolutely boring. Slow, dry, dull, uneventful, unsurprising, poorly-filmed, -written, and -acted. No wonder it was a hit. 4 1/2 pink tacos; might have been 5 had there been more worth making fun of.


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18 Reasons to Live

  • the projectivist  
    May 10, 2009 at 11:48 PM

    you forgot to mention the pinnacle of stupidity from that film - the tree-climbing piggyback bit.

    i wanted to scoop my eyes out with a melon-baller after watching that stupid scene. it reminded me of that much better film, Dark Crystal where the puppets ride those beasts.

    i honestly don't know what the hell all the fuss is about this film? am i missing some crucial element?

  • Shannon  
    May 11, 2009 at 4:31 AM

    I bought the book when the hype was out, and I've only made it through the first 20 pages or so. I'll get around to eventually reading it and watching the movie, but I'm sure your review is pretty dead on.

  • Diane  
    May 11, 2009 at 6:18 AM

    I HATED the book. Too much sitting in the woods gazing into each other's eyes; not enough conflict/action.

    And Robert Pattinson looks smelly and little person short.

  • shine  
    May 11, 2009 at 6:36 AM

    This just makes me sad for you.

    Also, just a heads up, visible panty lines are a no-no as a woman, so you might want to start investing in some thongs now.

  • hotpants™  
    May 11, 2009 at 6:52 AM

    I knew you'd hate it. Any guy who actually likes it should lie, lie, lie.

  • Kelly  
    May 11, 2009 at 6:56 AM

    I know Christie is going to be mad at me for saying this... but... the book is worse!!

    I am currently struggling my way through it, while also composing a list of 'reasons I hate Twilight'. The list is coming along rather quickly, while the book is a struggle to get through because it's so boring. The post I'm going to write about it is goig to piss off teenagers everywhere. I'm so with ya on this, Jay!

  • Monkey Girl  
    May 11, 2009 at 8:18 AM

    What baffles me (sorry Christie) is all the adults who like this shit.

    My 15 year thought it was the bomb...but she's fifteen.

    It's a teen book/movie.
    I'd say Anne Rice's books are the adult equivalent and we all saw what went horribly wrong when Tom Cruise played Lestat. Boring tripe.

  • Kelly  
    May 11, 2009 at 8:30 AM

    Haven't seen it. I refuse.

    Once something is popular at this level, I refuse to partake. If one of my whorey-lame friends from high school talks about something.... I'm done.

    -Ed Hardy
    -Von Dutch hats (back a few years)
    -Survivor
    -American Idol
    -anything manufactured by Coach

    You get the point. Irritating.

    My one friend actually yelled at her husband in front of company, because he set a drink on her Twilight book.

    So, you have verified my feelings and I will not waste my precious time. Thanks. Sorry for the loooong comment.

  • Christie  
    May 11, 2009 at 8:33 AM

    There is a special place in hell for each and every one of you. Kelly, you freakin' trader. I'm telling Jill on you now. Start shaking in the pink converse, my friend.

    BTW, I never said the movie was all that great, I did warn Jay that the acting wasn't great and some of the lines were pretty cheesy. My love for it stems from Edward (Robert) mostly. And the fact that I loved the books.

  • Jenn  
    May 11, 2009 at 12:09 PM

    This is by far my favorite review of Twilight :)

  • Jesslyn  
    May 11, 2009 at 2:51 PM

    I didn't care for the movie- and for some reason I can't stand the actress who plays Bella, I think she's horrible.

    Loved the books though, I'll admit it.

  • Tall Brunette  
    May 11, 2009 at 4:19 PM

    I always fantasized about Edward.
    I fantasized about him finally turning to Bella and saying "Why don't you wipe that fucking sour face off your mug? you know what? Why don't I do it for you?"
    And then he just takes her whole face off.

    It would have been the easiest part in the world to play, and yet, she butchered it.

    But still, OOOHHHH!! TWILIGHT!!
    Its the equivelant to the nasty ass romance novel you see old fat ladies reading alone, sitting in the corner of a diner, chowing down on potatoes cooked about four different ways.
    -Except the girls who are into this shop at Torrid.
    And are probably single.
    And a lot like me.

    fuck.

  • Kelly  
    May 12, 2009 at 3:25 AM

    Love you Christie...

  • Becky  
    May 12, 2009 at 10:01 AM

    I thought the books were much better than the film. It was obviously shot on a cheap budget, as the special effects were worse than most TV shows -- the diamond glitter and the tree jumping made me cringe.

  • Ashley  
    May 13, 2009 at 11:33 AM

    hahahaha! You are pretty dead on.

    I was mad about the twist on vampire history. Like, who do you think you are, Stephanie Meyer (the author) to make vampires sparkle in the sun instead of combusting? Lame indeed.

    That said, I still love it in all it's horrible awkwardness. Rob is hot, end of story.

  • Juice  
    May 17, 2009 at 5:12 PM

    Mmmm hot vampire vag is so much more enjoyable.

    Sounds like they have really done a number on the emo kids.

  • Britt  
    May 19, 2009 at 9:52 AM

    The books are so much better than the movie.The movie was not all that great..but i still bought it =)Its a modern day Romeo & Juliet.

  • jb  
    May 20, 2009 at 7:09 PM

    I agree with juice hot vampire vag what else do you want from such an shit ass movie.....book is way better.

    Peace
    JB

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