Daily Chick Flick: The Other Boleyn Girl  

Ah, the period piece. Those of them that fall into chick flick territory are without a doubt in a class by themselves. On one hand you've got the requisite crazy women and presumptuous men, yet on the other they're mostly lacking the impossibly ridiculous situations of the average 90 minute vag-fest. My personal mindfuck continues in particular with today's movie, The Other Boleyn Girl, for a variety of reasons.

For starters, you already know what's going to happen at the end of this movie, provided you made it through the rigors of elementary school of course. Although I will say, knowing in advance that Anne Boleyn gets beheaded did keep me in waiting for that climactic final scene, much more so than a story about someone who passes away peacefully in their sleep would. Think of the violence as a sunny patch for me in this dark month of chick flick punishment, like gratuitous nudity or Reese Witherspoon threatening to "cunt punch" someone. But then, those dirty motherfuckers didn't even show it. Two perfectly good decapitations and they cut away from it both times. Sure, Anne getting raped by Henry is perfectly within the boundaries of PG-13, but a tiny bit of blood gushing like a geyser from someone's severed torso is too much? Hypocrisy!

The other part of this movie that plunged me into turmoil was the conundrum of deciding between Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansson. It's the classic debate, really. Cool girl or hot girl? Girl that would make you laugh or girl that makes you look good? It's a shallow set of circumstances to try and resolve, but there's no denying the importance of it. As this movie illustrates, the course of an empire can be changed over such things. Let's examine it further, shall we?

Round 1

Natalie Portman

Starred in such awesome movies as The Professional, V for Vendetta, Garden State, and THREE Star Wars.

Scarlett Johansson

Starred in such awesome movies as Lost in Translation, and... uh... I here she's playing Black Widow in Iron Man 2. Which is kind of cool. Ooh! She's also a regular in episodes of Robot Chicken.

Point: Natalie. She's either a much better actress than Scarlett, or at the very least better at aligning herself with good projects.

Round 2

Natalie Portman

Isn't scared of nudity, obviously stays in great shape.

Scarlett Johansson

See above picture.

Point: Scarlett. Natalie is by no means unattractive, but Scarlett fucking oozes sex appeal.

Round 3

Wild Card Round

Natalie Portman

Scarlett Johansson

Point & match: Natalie. Sorry Scarlett, but when the funny/cool girl is even half as attractive as you are, you don't stand a chance.

I guess that settles that. As for the movie, I suppose it wasn't awful. Portman was sharp as usual, Johansson was pouty as usual, and Eric Bana looked angrily confused as usual. I guess you could say it was a very usual film. 2 pink tacos, not necessarily because I enjoyed it a great deal, but because in most chick flicks when a guys gets the girl, they usually aren't talking about her head on a pike.

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6 Reasons to Live

  • hotpants™  
    May 17, 2009 at 3:24 PM

    I have this on my DVR. I'll get to it eventually.

  • Juice  
    May 17, 2009 at 4:52 PM

    Scarlet does pick up quite a few extra points for her starring in Robot Chicken..

    But overall I'm happy with your decision. The question you have to answer though, would you kick either out of bed?

  • Nicole  
    May 17, 2009 at 4:59 PM

    When I saw this in the cinema all I could notice was that the king and the Boleyn girls always colour co-ordinated, it was like they had a little servant guy running around the place squeeking "HE'S WEARING BLUE!".

    Good decision. I would have picked Scarlett too, but only because I pity the two back-breakers she has hanging off of her front. Ouch.

  • Diane  
    May 17, 2009 at 6:14 PM

    I'm a sucker for any period piece circa Henry VIII or Elizabeth I. I love the Tudors on Showtime. I liked the book, but I haven't seen this movie.

    Look at it from this perspective. How much was history and modern religion shaped by Anne being a prick tease?

  • shine  
    May 18, 2009 at 7:11 AM

    I read the book, which was a little much for me. I tend to get angry and throw the book across the room when I have to read about the incessant raping of a 12-year-old to further her family's name. But that's just me. So it took me about a month to read the book.

    Then, in the opening credits, already the movie had fucked it up. So I'm pretty much against this movie. It sucked compared to the book, and I didn't even like the book that much.

  • Becky  
    May 22, 2009 at 2:19 PM

    You gave this one a higher rating than I did.

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