Daily Chick Flick: Made of Honor  

Let's take a momentary diversion to address a question that came from The Projectivist, who asks "Are you even going to try to pick a decent film throughout this whole challenge?" I can't help but equate my situation to that of someone selecting his nightly companion from a rural Alabama brothel; no matter what I choose it's gonna be ugly. Besides, the overlying premise of this challenge is to entrench myself in the chick flick genre, and I have to be careful about what I choose so I don't inadvertently watch something questionably decent. Does this mean that before too long the reviews will become just as formulaic as the movies themselves? Possibly, although I still believe that it's going to take a while for me to find my way into relatively less suck-ass fringes of the genre. That and where would the fun be in it if everyone knew I wasn't suffering at least a little?

Now down to business. Today's film is nothing if not a paradigm-shifting, misconception-slaying work of art. Not only does the story revolve around someone's impending nuptials, it takes place in Manhattan and is about falling in love with that person who was right by your side the whole time. Essentially a trifecta of untapped potential. It's as if Hollywood saved this little gem of a plot for the time that America needed it the most; a time when two cinematic greats of our generation would come forth and.... OK wow. Sorry. I realize I took that one too far. Hopefully you picked up on the touch of cynicism in there. If not let me make it perfectly clear -- Made of Honor is another piece of recycled garbage courtesy of the Hollywood shit machine (not to be confused with these guys).

In the movie, Patrick Dempsey plays your typical A-type womanizer; all the ladies want him, but he's the one calling the shots. You got that? There is, however, the somewhat confusing matter of his decade-long best friend, played by Michelle Monaghan. It's only when she goes on an extended business trip to Scotland that he realizes he wants something more than friendship. But wouldn't you know it, she comes back from Scotland engaged to some guy she just met, and (OMG) they're getting married in two weeks! In Scotland! And she wants HIM to be HER maid of honor! How unconventional!

Call it a gut instinct, but unless you've asked your gay effeminate best friend, there's no way a dude would ever agree to be your maid of honor. Ever. Ask him to give you away at the wedding, to DJ it, to assume any role besides the one that would otherwise be filled by the loneliest women you know. Nonetheless, we're talking entertainment here, so let's just assume that a right-minded hetero man would accept the position for the sake of getting the bride-to-be to fall in love with him instead. Then we start to venture into easily one of the most frustrating parts about movies. If you've got something to say to someone, JUST FUCKING SAY IT. Especially if you have 10 years of history with this person and they're already your best friend. Trust me, I am more than versed in uncertain feelings, so I know that sometimes in real life you have to sort that out before you can confidently make your move. Should you, however, find yourself very aware of and committed to said feelings, then again, JUST FUCKING TELL THEM. Or you could always let the person you supposedly care about make a shitload of plans, spend all this money, fly to fucking Scotland, and then drop the hammer on them at the very last minute.

Is this really something you want ladies? Seeing as it's the kind of brash behavior constantly popping up throughout chick flicks, and you guys eat that shit up, I can only be led to believe yes. The closest thing I can relate it to is my love of cheesy kung fu movie action. Some guy (successfully) stopping a wedding to pour his heart out is about as likely to happen as another one fending off 13 swordsmen with a pair of chopsticks. Because in the real world, this is what happens when you try and stop a wedding:

... speak now, or forever hold their peace.

(rushing in through the church door, half-naked, dripping in sweat, handcuffs still attached to one wrist)
Stop the wedding!

Guy, what the hell are you doing? What happened to you?

Don't do this Bride. Don't marry him. Marry me instead.

(drops her arms to her side, stunned by the proposition)
Have you been smoking PCP? Why would I want to marry you?

[cue sappy music]

Because when I look at you, I see the good in the world. I see the good in myself. And I'm afraid that without you by my side, nothing will ever be good again.

This is bullshit. Are you done ruining my wedding day?

Excuse me?

You know what? Screw you Guy. We got drunk and fucked that one time 6 years ago, and you didn't even bother to get me a towel afterwards. Besides, you have a baby dick and my parents have always hated you.

I, um...
(starts crying a little)


(motions to groomsmen)

GROOMSMEN proceed to drag Guy outside and beat the living hell out of him. The only time they ease up a little is when a group of elderly women walk by, who they let take a couple of shots at him.

Much in the same way would the guy with chopsticks end up a broken pile, lying in a pool of his own blood with those chopsticks up his ass. Yet it's exactly this suspended reality which keeps us coming back to movies, and something I must continually remind myself of when seeking out an objective stance on all these chick flicks. Regardless, Made of Honor didn't even try to give the stagnant alternate reality of wedding crashing a sorely-needed makeover, and for that I'm giving it 3 1/2 pink tacos. I had originally toyed with the idea of deducting a half taco in honor of the lovely Michelle Monaghan, until watching the film reminded me that she's only capable of playing extremely boring people.

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11 Reasons to Live

  • E  
    May 6, 2009 at 10:50 AM

    Also, complete replica of My Best Friends Wedding, but with role reversal and Julia Roberts didn't get to be best man.

  • Anonymous  
    May 6, 2009 at 10:52 AM

    I saw this last week. If it weren't for Patrick Dempsey, I wouldn't have bothered. The only thing saving the movie was being able to look at him. Other than that, it sucked.

  • Kelly  
    May 6, 2009 at 10:53 AM

    I've never seen it.

    LOVE your version though!

  • Jesslyn  
    May 6, 2009 at 11:18 AM

    I want to see your version on film.

  • shine  
    May 6, 2009 at 2:11 PM

    Haven't seen this because...why would anyone see this?

    Also, could you please write the script of my life? I spied a special talent in that wedding scene you concocted.

  • Diane  
    May 6, 2009 at 3:12 PM

    I remember reading a review of this movie in the NY Post and the line about Dempsey's character - that if the writers of this movie had ever met a hetero male, they didn't bother to take notes.

  • McLean  
    May 6, 2009 at 7:01 PM

    A little agro are we?

  • jb  
    May 7, 2009 at 3:34 AM

    Jay, your doing such a good job on these movie reviews that I thought I'd give you a little award,

    IT'S YOU STARRING ON MY BLOG.....come check yourself out.

    Best movie so far The Holiday. If there is a character that I could relate with it's Iris....b/c I spent 3 years doing what she did until I snapped out of it....wow I'm so saddddddd anyhoot that's it my life is a movie cliche.


  • Anonymous  
    May 7, 2009 at 3:55 AM

    Sounds awful.......

  • Anonymous  
    May 7, 2009 at 4:26 AM

    I saw this... and I immediately forgot every part of it. It was that good... (sarcasm)

    I would much rather see the film that contains the scene you described there... hahaha

    OH! And btw! I'm in a wedding where I am the best man, and the maid of honor is a man! We are trying really hard for him to wear the dress and me to wear the tux... but he isn't going for it. Funny part is that he is a tough-guy Army man type. haha

  • Shannon  
    May 7, 2009 at 5:49 AM

    My favorite part about the movie was the lanky basketball playing nerd.

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