Daily Chick Flick: French Kiss  

Funny thing; if I were to share with you my top ten list of actors/actresses I'd like to throw a tire iron at, you'd find that two of them were French, namely Jean Reno and Gerard Depardieu. The interesting footnote to this is that I actually enjoy many of the movies Reno has been in, but only in spite of him. He's done so much crap that my opinion of something automatically sinks the moment I see his name in the credits or that droopy mug and those soulless eyes appear on screen. In regards to Depardieu, the only footnote worthy of him is that he also has a prominent spot on my top ten list of actors/actresses for whom cosmetic surgery should no longer be considered "elective."

The decision to watch French Kiss was an impulsive one, or perhaps just a matter of convenience since it was on TV and I found myself unable to locate the remote. The reason is unimportant really. What matters is that it was made in the mid-nineties, well past the point in time that Meg Ryan stopped being tolerable. So I knew I was in for it. Having Kevin Kline to balance her out was a nice surprise, even if he was playing a Frenchman. However, this was also the point in the movie where I got caught up to speed with what was happening with the characters. Meg Ryan heading to France to try and win back the fiance that recently broke it off with her. Headed. To. France. Which could only mean one thing...

NOOOOOOOOOO!!

It hardly requires a prophet to know that Jean Reno is going to make an appearance in any movie with the slightest French undercurrent. He's pretty much the only French actor that both speaks English and refuses to question the cinematic merit of anything. I think this is evident by the fact that they chose to cast Kline as the lead in French Kiss, whose approach to the character kind of makes it feel like you're watching an old Pepe Le Pew cartoon, oui? And what about the scene where Meg Ryan has too much cheese on the train, gets a stomach ache, screams "Lactose Intoleraaaaant!" in the middle of the dining car, and then they cut to her walking out of a bathroom at the train station? Why did she have to get off the train to poo? Haven't passenger trains had bathrooms since the early 1900's? I suppose I should just be thankful that the blood vessel which burst in my brain from watching this scene wasn't a big one.

In brighter news, it's May 28th, also known as "only three more days until the worst month of my life is over." Yesterday also saw the closing of the special poll I posted, wherein my readers were charged with the selection of something painful/embarrassing for me to do in place of a single review. Unsurprisingly, the polls closed in overwhelming favor of option #3, which was "Have Christie give me a makeover, then post the resulting glamour shot as my Facebook profile picture for one full week." My instinct is saying that Christie stacked the polls so she could finally pluck my eyebrows, but I also wouldn't put it past the lot of you to wish that kind of humiliation upon me. Nonetheless, check back on Saturday if you're down for seeing me transformed into the ugliest woman since Rosie O'Donnell. Keep in mind though that this is a neck up transformation -- women's clothing was NEVER part of the deal.

OK back to the review. I mean "review." French Kiss was hardly the worst film I've seen this month, which is really like saying that Olive Garden is hardly the worst restaurant I've ever been to; it's not as shitty when compared to other shitty things, but c'mon, it's still shitty. That and both are best enjoyed with large quantities of alcohol. 4 pink tacos. It might have been 5 if it weren't for what I've officially dubbed "The Jean Reno Effect."

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5 Reasons to Live

  • Ashley  
    May 28, 2009 at 8:20 PM

    Yeah, I really didn't like this movie. You covered every bad thing about it.

    Glad about the makeover, though.

    I say this every comment, but it's cause we are running out of time! WATCH MY BEST FRIEND'S WEDDING. You must.

  • Shannon  
    May 29, 2009 at 4:08 AM

    Can I just say that everytime I see that Taco Bell commercial for their new Volcano taco, all I can think about is you?

  • Anna Liffen  
    May 29, 2009 at 8:52 AM

    I saw this when it first came out and am ashamed to admit I liked it at the time. But it's a long time ago and I guess I just didn't know any better.... :o)

  • Ryan  
    May 29, 2009 at 9:19 AM

    I swear I am wearing the same shirt as Kevin Kline is in that poster right now.

  • Christian  
    May 29, 2009 at 11:42 AM

    You may be underestimating how sexy it can feel to wear women's underwear.

    And Jean Reno was one bad motherfucker in La Femme Nikita. Which was the basis for his character in The Professional, minus the creepy compassion for Natalie Portman's 12y.o. character.

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