Daily Chick Flick: Bounce  

More than once in my life I've been told I closely resemble Ben Affleck. I'm not really sure how much of a compliment I consider this to be when taken at face value, but I can definitely think of worse people to be compared too. The truth of the matter is that for the most part I look nothing like him, and others are simply drawing a parallel between our broad chins and propensity towards smiling with a single side of our mouths. By that definition, you could just as easily say that I bear strong resemblance to the bastard love child of Jay Leno and Mark Ruffalo.

Affleck's standing as an actor remains questionable to me, despite the obvious successes he's had in that area. Something I daresay is impossible to question is his longstanding ability to secure hot celebrity ass. Which if you think about it there should really be some kind of award for. Allow me to make, by gratuitous example, a case for why Affleck would be a top nominee for such an award:

Gwyneth Paltrow


Affleck hit this when she was on the rebound from Brad Pitt, which must have been a tough act to follow as he's arguably someone that most women would trade their life to mount. I can't speak for how Affleck stacked up by comparison, although I don't see him being any less impressive than Chris Martin.

Famke Janssen


She's from Amsterdam, and has a penchant for playing the crazy/confused whore. The only possible reason these two split is that Affleck was too big of a chode to keep up with her. If Famke Janssen wants you to punch her in the throat mid coitus, by God you do it.

Jennifer Lopez


It's not as if J.Lo. doesn't have the capacity to be attractive in appearance, she simply offsets that potential by being a horrible person who has yet to make a redeemable movie, album, or fragrance.

Jennifer Garner


While trading down from Janssen to Lopez might have been the biggest relationship mistake of all-time, it's safe to say that he made up for it by marrying Garner. While not outwardly as slutty as the other girls he dated, she has somehow kept him honest and managed to procure his invaluable seed. Twice. Maybe he prefers to be on the receiving end of that mid-coitus throat punch.

Oh, and I watched Bounce, which stars Affleck and the above-pictured Paltrow. The premise was interesting enough, but watching Affleck cry always makes me uncomfortable because of how extra weird he looks doing it, which in this case constituted the entire second half of the film. 2 1/2 pink tacos. The complete lack of spontaneous singing/dancing, montages, and Jennifer Lopez made all the difference for this one. Not that it was by any stretch of the imagination a great movie, just not that much of a chick flick.


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8 Reasons to Live

  • shine  
    May 22, 2009 at 1:00 PM

    I've never seen this one. I tried to watch it twice and never made it past the first ten minutes. But Affleck makes me want to punch myself in the face.

    That being said, holy shit that was a hot picture of J-Lo. And I don't even like J-Lo.

    Ben Affleck can't act. Except possibly in Dazed and Confused, in which he was completely overshadowed by Matthew McConoughey's (Dammit, I'm not looking up how you spell that because I just don't care) awesome pink pants pervyness.

  • The Polka Dotted Owl  
    May 22, 2009 at 1:32 PM

    have not seen this one either. dammit. am i gay?! or just have good taste? you decide.

    i really have never been a fan of affleck for tons of reasons too long to list here. he actually makes me quite angry. however i was disappointed to not see his mistress matt damon. can those to just get married already?! sorry that was mean. i have issues with both of those men. for some reason.... i think you rubbing off of me.

    mmmmm....mark ruffalo.

  • The New Black  
    May 22, 2009 at 1:36 PM

    Ol' Benny isn't that great, but I do love his wife! Yes, I am an Alias nerd...but seriously, she can really turn it on when she needs to.

    I know I've seen Bounce, but nothing about it really sticks out in my mind...guess it wasn't that memorable!

  • Brandon  
    May 22, 2009 at 1:51 PM

    J Lo has made one good movie in which I like her a lot - "Out Of Sight" with George Clooney. Other than that, it's been a pretty ugly career.

    Of all of his ladies, I like Garner the most, if only because she might still have some of her "Alias" costumes.

  • Monkey Girl  
    May 22, 2009 at 4:46 PM

    Unless Affleck is regurgitating Kevin Smith's well written dialogue, I really don't have the patience to listen to him. Period.

  • Diane  
    May 22, 2009 at 8:03 PM

    The only movies I can watch with Paltrow are Shakespeare in Love and Seven, in which she (spoiler alert!) gets decapitated.

  • Shannon  
    May 25, 2009 at 7:21 AM

    Where are you finding these?!

  • Christian  
    May 26, 2009 at 9:28 PM

    I caught a piece of some show once in which Famke Janssen tore a strip of some guy a little younger than her in a school yard, pointing and yelling in his face, going up one side of him and down the other. I was never more turned on. I guess I'd take the throat punch.

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