Outside Looking In*  

It was already late, and the alley that Jay now stood at the end of was both long and dark; all contributing factors which typically result in one declining to use said alley. In this case, however, it was the lateness that taunted him to make use of it. This alley would save two blocks of walking and better the odds of his catching the last bus home. At least the last direct one that is. The last chance at making it home without a near two-hour circuitous journey through mass transit purgatory.

"Fuck it" he thought, "The alley runs behind a God damn Ross Dress for Less for fuck's sake," and with this started down it.

"Exactly" chimed in the subconscious, morbidly pessimistic devil's advocate he carried with him everywhere. "You'll be added to the history books as the first person to be raped and murdered behind a Ross. Talk about blazing new trails."

"Riiiight" Jay retorted to himself, "I can totally see the allure for every street criminal waiting to jump a 6'7", 250lb guy who hangs out in an alley."

His dark side continues, unabated. "Correct. Because your organs are so very large, they are obviously of higher value on the black market and thus worth the added effort in harvesting."

Jay begins to sweat a little, and not just because he values his giant organs so much. Ahead of him -- at about the halfway point down the alley -- he hears the distinct sound of rustling plastic, though its source is blocked from view by a row of dumpsters.

"Probably just a cat trying to get comfortable" he tells himself.

"Either that or someone's pulling out a jumbo-sized garbage bag to put you in."

At this point a low, pained moan issues from behind the dumpsters, leading both Jay and his dark side to the same frightful conclusion. "Zom-bie!" they scream internally to each other.

As he closes in on the dumpsters, the sounds become more frequent and intense. His pace slows in hopes of a quieted footfall and sharpened senses, though he stays on the mental ready for action if accosted by the undead. He practically leans forward with each step, trying to catch a glimpse of this unknown terror before having to commit his body to its presence.

Then, as suddenly as it had swelled, fear subsides with a wash of relief as his eyes finally rest upon that which had worried him so. A homeless man lay on his back, fully sprawled, getting blown by another homeless man. Jay quickly notes that it could also be two very urban chic people going at it; the lighting situation made it pretty hard to tell. Now slightly disappointed that it hadn't been a zombie, he can no longer think of a valid argument against running the rest of the alley. This urge to flee turns out to be a stroke of good fortune, because at the end of it he encounters and boards his last chance bus, which was moments from pulling away.

* courtesy of my life, circa last September.

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13 Reasons to Live

  • Wings  
    April 13, 2009 at 4:59 PM

    I love how the man is big and strong, yet just as nervous about an alley as a lesser man.

    I also like the different, horrific possibilities that arise in his mind: rape and murder; organ stealing; zombies!

    But in truth it is just the wonderful expression of love between two lost souls.

    As a side note: How seared into your memory is this image? So, so sorry for you. :(

  • Nicole  
    April 13, 2009 at 5:04 PM

    This is what is waiting in Seattle?

    W-o-w.

    I had no idea that you'd been through such a trauma... I am so very sorry. May I offer you a brain transplant?

  • quantumfauxpas  
    April 13, 2009 at 7:15 PM

    Woohoo! Live gay porn! Hot!

  • McLean  
    April 13, 2009 at 7:55 PM

    I know that Ross!!!

  • E  
    April 13, 2009 at 9:30 PM

    The great thing about alleys are the possibilities of what can occur there...or the not so great thing. But seriously, what other place offers so many choices.

  • Some Guy  
    April 14, 2009 at 7:37 AM

    I imagine the scene being accompanied by Celine Dion singing that song from Titanic.

  • Kelly  
    April 14, 2009 at 7:40 AM

    I love Ross Dress for Less!

    We only have TJ Maxx and Marshalls. All West Coast trips must consist of a stop at the Ross. I've been to one in LA (highlight of that trip), Mission Valley, San Diego, San Francisco, Vegas, Mesa and Phoenix. I think that's it.

    Love Ross. Nothing bad could happen there.

  • LiLu  
    April 14, 2009 at 9:10 AM

    Isn't this a scene from The Wire? Is Omar after you??

  • Crystal  
    April 14, 2009 at 11:01 AM

    Dude, I would totally take that way home from work every day from now on.

    And probably also frequently throughout the day.

  • Ryan  
    April 14, 2009 at 11:55 AM

    You're pretty smooth. I generally handle such frightening situations by running as fast as possible while screaming at the top of my lungs to scare off any supernatural assailants.

  • Jesslyn  
    April 14, 2009 at 12:44 PM

    That happens *in front* of our stores here. Usually there's another homeless guy selling tickets to watch though.

  • The Grunt  
    April 15, 2009 at 1:47 AM

    I feel sorry for your eyes, Jay. I had a somewhat similar experience when I happened upon a co-worker masturbating behind his utility van. The "point of no return" look on his face and his squat penis still haunt me to this day. Anyway, that made work real awkward after that encounter.

  • Becky  
    April 15, 2009 at 5:37 PM

    I'm guessing that would be the Ross on 3rd, in which case you're pretty brave to go through that alley at night. My former employer used to be in Belltown with its own "crack alley" next to it that came with its own set of stories, though nothing quite as bloggable as fellatio.

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