Older, Wiser, Butthole Cherry Still Intact  

Despite a heroic amount of denial, not to mention some dabbling in theoretical mathematics and ritual sacrifice, I can't seem to escape the fact that I turn 30 in just under 7 months. Thankfully I'm a person who chooses to live life with few regrets, so it's not as if my dread of this date has much to do with a desire for having done things differently. And it's not about facing my own mortality and senescence either, although I really could do without the increase in gray hair and people calling me "Sir."

What I am, however, is a person who likes to procrastinate, especially when it comes to my personal life. Meaning that once I turn 30, it's going to be rough-going to justify not moving on all those pesky little goals and dreams of mine. On top of that generally monumental task, those dreams have to be prioritized within raising/supporting a family, and not letting their achievement come at the cost of my health. Basically I've got to learn how to love being retardedly busy as well as start buying A LOT more lottery tickets.

What are those dreams and goals you ask? Haha... wouldn't you like to know, so you can lambast them with your witty sayings and vulgar determination to see me fail. While on the subject of goals, it's my understanding that many a blog folk will publish a "30 before 30" list, comprised of all the things they're hoping to accomplish before the meter rolls over on their youth. Lists are cool and all, but getting touchy-feely with my heart of hearts hardly fits my style. That being said, I'll try at the very least to keep in line with the anti-transparency policies of this blog, by posting a list of 30 things I hope to leave unchecked when I turn 30... and for as long as possible after that.

  1. Experience a compound fracture
  2. Be peed on by a homeless person anyone (FYI - babies aren't people)
  3. Find out what gorilla taint smells like
  4. Go bald
  5. Know the love that dare not speak its name
  6. Watch Twilight (this one's not looking so good)
  7. Get a paper cut on my eye
  8. Meet Rosie O'Donnell
  9. Break down in a drunken crying fit on a reality show
  10. Be diagnosed with something that includes the word "parasitic" or "worm(s)"
  11. Set foot in Utah
  12. Respect someone whose beer of choice is Keystone Light
  13. Lose my eyebrows in a freak accident (even temporarily)
  14. Have an eagle mistake me as a threat
  15. Be bested by a Dutchman at anything
  16. Get mugged
  17. Take advice from Kanye West
  18. Go to prison (see #5)
  19. Win any kind of contest that requires having bitch tits
  20. Have a defibrillator used on me
  21. Find myself unprepared for a zombie attack
  22. Let a tarantula crawl on me
  23. Get kicked square in the balls
  24. Wear women's underwear
  25. Accept that Tyler Perry writes better comedy than I do
  26. Have a disappointing sexual move named after me
  27. Drink Ipecac syrup
  28. Enter a fantasy football/baseball/basketball league
  29. Download a Celine Dion song
  30. Make a list of 30 things to do before I turn 30

And there you have it. I think that avoiding the majority of these things should be fairly simple, provided I don't employ a Special Olympian as my life coach. While it would be nice to bypass the lines at amusement parks, the potential repercussions are just too severe to take the chance.

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