For Neither the Weak of Stomach, Mind, or Humor  

I love me some Oregon, let's get that straight. I'm thinking it's possible that this love compounded the confusing sense of concern I had over their passing of House Bill 2478 this week. HB2478 is full of good stuff, as the basic premise will now make it sexual assault to "intentionally propel a dangerous substance at a victim who does not consent thereto." Oh, and their definition of a dangerous substance is blood, urine, semen, feces, or some super-ultra dangerous cocktail of the four.

By way of background, this bill was introduced in response to an incident last year in which some d-bag gang banger wannabe threw his semen onto a woman at Target as part of an initiation. Oh, and the lady's little girl watched the whole thing all go down. Guy got charged with assault, people cried out that it was obviously sexual in nature, the wheels of bureaucracy started turning, and now it's an even worse offense to J/O on unsuspecting mothers. Way to ruin it for the rest of us, asshole.

It's obvious the suits in Oregon have spent little time having their good senses violated by the Internet. That and they probably don't have as many sick and twisted friends as I do. While I can't say I'm proud to have not clicked away sooner from some of the really bad sites/videos out there, I'm able to justify it as an act of desensitization, whereby the massive blood and gore of an inevitable zombie attack will be like an episode of Care Bears next to some of the things I've seen. Back to my point though, which is that they've left out a very important bodily fluid in this bill; our good friend saliva. I daresay it even surpasses blood and feces as prime torpedo-shining (or boat-stroking) material for the perverts of the world. Then again, I guess we'll have to give it a few years to see what becomes of all the tween girls out there who have been adversely affected -- both mentally and sexually -- by the Twilight books, which I hear are not only shitty, but also have something to do with blood. There's still hope for them though, provided someone steps forward, someone brave enough to teach them the time-honored traditions of golden showers and spit baths. I'm not one to flagrantly use the word "hero," but you know, sometimes it just fits.

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