10 Things That Went Through My Head While Getting a Root Canal This Morning  

Sometimes a loss of brevity is required for the perfect blog title.

As I sat patiently through a two hour root canal earlier today, I couldn't help but let my mind wander. Besides, it was either that or watch -- from the reflection on the endodontist's glasses -- the horror show happening inside my mouth. Considering that's what I did for the duration of my LAST root canal, diverting my acuities into la-la land seemed a far more appealing prospect. Such diversions included:

"Damn you Cavity Creeps. Oreos -- we're still cool."

"If I could manage to have a root canal-like procedure performed on my entire body, I would be like a sexier version of Darkman."

"I wonder of Dr. Rivero's husband realizes that her job entails pressing her breasts firmly against a stranger's head all day?"

"Whoever just put in that Tracy Chapman CD deserves to be in this chair way more than I do."

"This had better not prevent me from playing the part of Caligula at this Sunday's impending porcine orgy, COCHON 555."

"Which reminds me; is there ANY part of a pig that I wouldn't eat? Short answer: no. Long answer: no, especially if it is wrapped in bacon."

"I'm personally glad that The Secret is a giant crock of shit, or else I would otherwise be a failure at the simple act of thinking."

"The fact that e-book readers and the porn industry haven't even considered combining forces yet is mind-boggling."

"The more I think about narwhals, the more I realize that no matter how awesome they might be, it's nowhere near awesome enough for them to be the illegitimate children of unicorns and dolphins like I have for so long believed."

"I shouldn't have skipped breakfast; I wonder if blending a chili cheese dog would make it taste any different?"


**Follow-up - While it doesn't really change the flavor, the logistics of it can be challenging if you don't have a wide enough straw.

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14 Reasons to Live

  • Monkey Girl  
    March 6, 2009 at 8:26 PM

    All joking aside...when my brother had his jaw broken by a swift kick from an obliging H2O polo player...jaw wired shut for 6 weeks.
    I've seen just about every food item blended and sucked up thru a straw, my advice...always add chicken broth/beef broth to the mix. Keeps the consistency real and doesn't water down the flavor.
    There's my good deed for the day.

  • Some Guy  
    March 7, 2009 at 7:01 AM

    Great stuff! Who knew a root canal could foster such creativity?

  • Anonymous  
    March 7, 2009 at 1:39 PM

    not the post I was hoping for...

  • Ashley  
    March 8, 2009 at 3:34 PM

    "Oreos -- we're still cool."

    hahahaha! This totally made me laugh out loud. I love Oreos!!!

  • meshealle  
    March 9, 2009 at 8:23 AM

    Who doesn't love a good root canal in the morning? :-)

    Dentists are all sadists, right? That is one effed up profession.

  • PunkyBean  
    March 9, 2009 at 9:18 AM

    I like the boob part. Bonus, right?

    I'm going to have to express how upset I am that you did not include Minneapolis in your "major metro areas." We are FAR, FAR better than the lame hillbillyness that is Orlando. Vegas - hmmm. Far better. Chicago would kill us though.

  • Candy's daily Dandy  
    March 9, 2009 at 9:40 AM

    Was this thinking a direct result from the secret gas they give you??

    In any case don't question it and go with it.

  • Chris  
    March 9, 2009 at 12:18 PM

    Two questions: Is your dentist hot and does she take Delta Dental? If so, I might have to get on a plane.

  • Diane  
    March 9, 2009 at 1:00 PM

    Last time I was at the dentist they had added flat screen tvs to each room. Good news, right?

    Not if it's the day before the election and they're playing Fox News.

  • Anonymous  
    March 9, 2009 at 10:21 PM

    Mmmm... bacon wrapped bacon.

    I just drooled on myself.

  • Juice  
    March 9, 2009 at 11:51 PM

    Monkey girl - It might be an australian thing, but we generally add beer to the mix for consistency purposes.

    These are all interesting idea's/facts Jay, I particularly like the one about the breasts.. Which I did notice just the other day myself while being examined in the chair. Lucky for me, she was young and completely attractive.. As for competent, i'm somewhat dubious but it never seemed to matter as my brain was busy wondering.

    Does Chuck Norris have root canals?

  • the projectivist  
    March 10, 2009 at 12:54 AM

    i have nothing to add to the whole root canal post. sorry.

    but i do have to question regards the results of that whole superpowered sex poll.
    honestly. did people really choose lynda carter over that Seven of 9 woman?? she looks much hotter in her poured-on outfit than Lynda. ok - Wonderwoman.

    and Lara Croft?!!!
    for godsakes, haven't you all had enough of bloody whatserface with the big lips and penchant for adopting broods of stray children?

    oh yeah.
    and where's the poll for the laydees?

  • The Grunt  
    March 10, 2009 at 10:24 AM

    This post reminds me of the time when I was a teen, my friend and I were tripping on acid. We opened up his fridge and thought the mushrooms in the vegetable tray were on fire. We threw them on the floor and stomped them out. It was very interesting to hear his mother scream about the mess in the kitchen later on.

  • Megkathleen  
    March 10, 2009 at 3:05 PM

    I can not even begin to express how upset I am that I missed Cochon555. I love bacon more than anybody. I'm just going to go cry in the bathroom now.

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