Ruminations on Blogging  

While I have nothing against Internet fame, I wouldn't say that acquiring it is the driving force behind this blog. I do what I do, make an ass out of myself as necessary, and generally try to bring others to that ambiguous point between hating and liking me. And for the most part it's working out. That being said, my travels to the far corners of blogdom routinely leave me startled with the kind of trash that continually garners high readership.

For the sake of this insight into blog culture, I'm using page hits and/or average number of comments per post as the yardstick by which readership is estimated, along with a handful of X factors that I'll get into as time and patience allow. Before we get any further, let's take note that this is going to be just as much about how shitty my numbers are as it is about how good shitty people's are.

*** IMPORTANT NOTE *** If I've ever left a comment on your blog, rest assured I'm not talking about you here. While I'd hardly consider most of my comments to be "value-added," there's no way I'd ever comment on a page that leaves me wanting to strangle baby animals. Encouraging the abortions of the Internet in this manner is hardly conducive with my desire for them to receive the genocide they so justly deserve.

Page Views

Easily the top indicator of performance. After 8 months or so at this location, I've received a whopping 2,500 views total, which is approximately what the big dogs get in the time it took you to read this sentence. Good for them; they worked for it. Even if they're fat, greasy r-tards like Perez Hilton, they earned it, so kudos to them. That being said, there remains a massive chasm of good sense between those who simply recycle stale memes and the amount of traffic they get. 50K hits after 6 months of blogging, and your top post is about that one time your tit fell out at church? Well, OK, that is actually pretty funny. But even that isn't enough to propel your other 100 posts of day-to-day drivel into popularity, especially without any corresponding pictures of said tit.

Comments

What. The. Shit. Whenever I find a blog that's so wretched I start to envy Helen Keller, and its number of page views is mind-blowingly high, I cross-reference it with the average number of comments per post for legitimacy. Very few comments and I know that the stat counter is bullshit. Sadly, more times than not I'll find 20+ comments on each post, confirming my suspicion that most people secretly hate me, despite being wholly unaware of my existence.

Badges/Awards

I have never understood this aspect of blogging, which may be a contributing factor in my lack of any success with it. Mainly my problem is with those who line 50 of them down their sidebar, when in fact they're only getting them from the same 5 people they passed crappy awards onto each and every time. It's like some inter-dimensional vortex of false recognition, wherein people are just too ashamed to admit they have nothing interesting of value to blog about.

Followers

To further add to my shame, Blogger recently introduced a feature that allows you to follow others, which of course came with widgets and gadgets out the ass to show off just how many are following you and vice versa. In a stark example of just how much blogging is like my high school, I stumbled across someone yesterday with twice as many followers (80) as they had posts. Their latest post? A (somehow) lengthy diatribe on the "uneventful" movie night with their husband, expressed in such a way that it did for the English language what Ted Bundy did for young white girls. Oh, and total comments on that post? 26. Motherfuck.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~oOo~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

All of this angst begs the following question be asked: If I were on the high side in number of comments and overall stats, would I not be so hyper aware of the general suckitude out there? Or possibly even more jaded for being automatically considered lame because of the well-trafficked company I kept? I guess it's hard to know until you are there, so all I can really speak to is my own frustrations -- mired with a twinge of jealousy -- over those who somehow manage to do better by sucking more. Yet it can't be true simply for having said it, so the realist in me requires some type of explanation as to why it in fact remains true. Here are the possible reasons I've come up with thus far:
  1. I'm awful at this.
  2. I'm not an attractive girl.
  3. I'm not a Mommy/Exercise/Artsy blogger.
  4. My failure has been pre-engineered by Bill Gates.
As plausible as all these factors are, there's little I can do to change them (except Gates; that bastard will get his soon enough), so in the end I'm left with little direction. My only viable course of action is to keep doing what I've been doing, work in some subtle changes every now and again, and wait for the rest of the world to catch up to me. Until then, I'll be cursing at my analytics page.

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28 Reasons to Live

  • Meg Kathleen  
    February 2, 2009 at 4:03 PM

    I wonder the same thing all the time. How are all these shitty, boring blogs getting so much readership? It boggles the mind. But I don't think it's that you're awful at blogging because you're not I quite enjoy your blog - it's that people are stupid. STUPID. Think about it. Bride Wars raked in the big bucks. People LOVE the show Two and a Half Men and Arrested Development was cancelled. See? Stupid.

  • Monkey Girl  
    February 2, 2009 at 5:38 PM

    Thank you, thank you, thank you.
    I was just on one of those "blogs" and it showed she has 276 followers. WTF? I don't for a minute think my little blog is changing anybody for the better. Hopefully a good laugh now and then...or maybe pissing someone off.
    But the award thing has me stumped. I received a 'so-called' award just last week from a complete stranger no less. I can't bring myself to post it and participate in it's 'chain-mail-letter' cult-ish rules. I just can't. I don't want to seem ungrateful, but it ain't going to happen. What can I say? Don't give it up.

  • E  
    February 2, 2009 at 5:38 PM

    I've often wondered that myself. What really kills me are the people who can't master the English language and still have ridiculous amounts of followers, etc.

    By the way, thanks for the important note. I am breathing more easily because of it.

  • Diane  
    February 2, 2009 at 5:45 PM

    ok, I don't even know how you figure out these stats, that's what a lame blogger I am.

  • PunkyBean  
    February 2, 2009 at 6:31 PM

    I'm really new at this, so my opinion is really horse shit, but I like your blog. I think that Meg's totally right - people are freaking stupid!
    I think they're not finding people unless they're talking about how great Dancing w/the Stars is or how the damn Bachelor did something or another (I have never seen these shows...)

    ANYWAY, dude - keep it up! I find you hilarious (said in a Tracy Morgan voice.)

  • PunkyBean  
    February 2, 2009 at 6:34 PM

    BTW, I am now under the impression that everything is a conspiracy and someone like Bill Gates is running us all like a puppet master.
    Everything's set up, from the dumb Super Bowl to The Howard Stern Show (maybe I'm the only one who listens, but Artie's drug things seem to coincide with what normal people consider vacations.)

  • the projectivist  
    February 3, 2009 at 2:30 AM

    i know there are some stupid people about, i meet quite a lot of them at work. but meg kathleen has really frightened me with her comment.

    bride wars?
    two and a half men?
    we should all be very afraid.

  • Ryan  
    February 3, 2009 at 6:37 AM

    I've spent time thinking very similar things.

    Why does humiliating myself for virtual attention go largely unnoticed when at the same time a number of clearly deranged individuals continually receive 40 comments while posting as their cat.

    It's not as if the cat has an interesting life where he is lost in the wilderness and needs to discover his wild roots. It's just some bullshit like "Today Mommy was busy baking holiday breads so I relaxed on the couch."

    I'm not even close to a solution to this puzzle, but I pray it doesn't involve effort or a regular posting schedule.

  • Chris  
    February 3, 2009 at 9:37 AM

    If you correlate the number of words used in any given post with the number of high letter words as a relevant sub-set, you will find an inverse relationship with that number and the number of followers/comments/page views (however you define success).

    In other words, you are too smart for the internet. We ask them to aim higher. We ask them to drive past the Applebees and the Waffle Houses but they just can't help themselves.

  • Ashley  
    February 3, 2009 at 9:59 AM

    hahaha...oh, blogging politics :)

    I think no.4 is right...GATES! *shakes fist in air*

  • The Grunt  
    February 3, 2009 at 10:12 AM

    Hey, I thought my comments were enough to sustain your needs.

    I look at the arc of my blog's success and can directly correlate it's popularity to when good looking girls were coming there and leaving comments. I figure that I was getting their stalker residual. So, if you want success, find the chicks who have obsessive fans, comment on their blogs, threaten the stalker's status on said blogs, and you will have them coming over to yours to check out the competition.

    All of this has led me to conclude that there should be a Pulitzer prize category for big tits and a potty mouth.

  • Jesslyn  
    February 3, 2009 at 11:21 AM

    I don't blog very often, I don't show my face, and very few friends know I blog. I guess my blog is more for me. =)
    Keep up the blogging, I need enough blogs to read so I can fill up all the hours where I should be working.

    (Hmm, maybe if I showed some tits I'd get more readers...)

  • Lindsey  
    February 3, 2009 at 1:23 PM

    I read your blog because I like all the hot pictures you post.

    Nothin hotter than a man and his Cheez-it chap stick. Nothin.

  • random moments  
    February 3, 2009 at 1:46 PM

    This is awesome and so very true. The truth is, I have my favorite reads that I put on my sidebar because they make me laugh/cry and I want to support them. Because I think they deserve more views I advertise them.

    The following thing. Eh. I liked it at first, helped me keep the blogs I read in one place. (bloglines is really slow at updating>) But now I sort of realize that's just one more way of saying "Look how many people love me and stalk me!" OR its a way for people to advertise themselves on other blogs. When I'm looking for new reads, what do I do? Click on the following of my favorite reads.

    Okay I could ramble all day.

    And I may be a little offended because I AM an artsy blogger. *sticking tongue out*

  • random moments  
    February 3, 2009 at 1:49 PM

    Oh and P.S.? I read you at first because your Christie's love monkey. Now its more because I get a kick out of your daily photos and you remind me a little of my funny, bad boy husband.

  • random moments  
    February 3, 2009 at 1:57 PM
    This comment has been removed by the author.
  • Crystal  
    February 3, 2009 at 4:37 PM

    post more tiddies.

    boom.

    problem solved.

  • Crystal  
    February 3, 2009 at 4:40 PM

    also, i read your blog from my google reader on my blackberry because i am a douche and carry a blackberry. anyhow, that means i never really click on your site because posting comments from my phone is a batch. last month was really frustrating for me as my phone would not pull up any of your pictures.

    i'm glad you are using your words now and not just phrases that don't make any sense to me because i have no picture to relate it to.
    so i wonder how many people are that are out there that only read blogs through feeder things. but i like your blog. and christie's too. but i don't get counted.

    jeez. would ya look at that? i must be on my period or something.

  • quantumfauxpas  
    February 3, 2009 at 8:56 PM

    Well, I think your blog is freakin' awesome.

    That said, I'm with Crystal: more tiddies = problem solved. ;)

  • dater x  
    February 5, 2009 at 9:50 AM

    see look at that?! you have tons of comments now.

  • Crystal  
    February 5, 2009 at 10:20 AM

    by the way, it is impossible to guarantee someone a safe return from the moon. stop it.

  • McLean  
    February 6, 2009 at 8:12 AM

    dude,

    I can whine to my dogs without paying for internet WTF?

    jk

    it's a comment on society man....all the people who get attention are idiots, that's why they get attention. THis aint Texas, bigger isn't always better. Did I mention my film was not accepted to the festival I submitted to?...assholes

  • Christian  
    February 6, 2009 at 11:12 AM

    Here here. Well said. I've observed and mulled over shitty blogs too. Without rewriting the whole thing it can be found here, if you care. (Ironic ploy for more readers.)

  • jb  
    February 6, 2009 at 3:55 PM

    Hi Jay

    Stats ehhh... wanted to come by first to say hi and second your really funny and I like what you have to say.

    I found you on E's blog page because you left her a comment which I agreed with. That being said, like your blog, not that it's really going to change your life or mine but wtf your's is actually good.

    Also if i may say,you're a good writer and you know how to use spell check.. .... I answered your poll...kill tom cruise was my choice pick answer because if I did that I would make more then 50 G's tax free anyhow and wow end up in a women's max security prison telling my story to Oprah!!! oh yeahhhhh baby...feel the money coming. And think of all the nasty girlfriends I'd get out of all this,wow life is looking up for me.

    Now if you feel like venturing around this blogshere come visit my not so life saving blog of rants about me and my sad ass love,life,work and play. You may just enjoy what you read or not we will see.

    Take Care
    JB

  • Juice  
    February 9, 2009 at 12:10 AM

    I'm leaving a comment so you comment me and that way we equal way awesomeness..
    But despite this truely solid companionship, I have my doubts about this post.. I mean.. Are you a sore loser? No offence. You need to realise every possible odd is against you, and me alike. You see for as long as you and I aren't trash talker's we purely rely on exactly this.. Awesomeness.. Which unfortunately, while abundent, falls short of the total quoter in which we probably require. I don't feel like these stats truely represent talent, not in a literary sence, but it represents good marketing skillz. Deal with it, awesome writers don't get near as much recognition as others less deserving. I rememeber a myspace blogger who was constantly a top poster, released a code which put him on top every week.. He then got booted. So my advise is deal with it, and if you want recognition the target what the market wants (You may choose to have a vigina installation).. ha that reminds me of a chick blogger who had breats implants and posted pic's.. Instant hit in blogesphere.

    You want to read a real writer? www.electricnerve.blogspot.com < three years of blogging and still no stats to show for it. Answer me why that is?

    Anyway I'll be around to help you in your search for internet fame-dom. Until then be sure to get stupid and tell me how you go with all this confusion.

    ps. At least your post is readable unlike some other stuff I endure out there.

  • Jillian  
    February 13, 2009 at 10:13 AM

    Looks like this post brought the readers out of the wood work, huh?

  • Becky  
    March 19, 2009 at 10:48 AM

    The badges have never made sense to me, and you're right -- most of the ones I see are just passed back and forth from/to the same people.

    I've never had a lot of page views, but I liked the fact that I used to have a fairly high proportion of comments in relation to page views -- at least it meant I was posting about something interesting or worthwhile to comment about. But, after blogging for 4 1/2 years, most of the people I used to follow aren't blogging anymore (or no where near as often) and I really haven't made much of an effort to find new blogs to read.

  • shine  
    August 8, 2009 at 4:19 PM

    I'm pretty sure it's because you're not an attractive girl.

    What's my excuse?

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