A New Year, a Mostly the Same Me  

In many ways 2008 reminded me of a seedy truck stop whore. While there was good to be had for a few, most had to contend with their sense of decency and bank accounts being raped in unison. 2008 also had a trashy smell about it, like a mix of KOOL cigarettes and olive loaf. And much like my only real life experience with roadside prostitution, I started crying the minute it was all over.

I'm not necessarily one to make resolutions. I have in the past, but always in a last minute fit of drunken detachment, so they never really stick. Of course this usually has more to with plausibility than it does any lack of resolve on my part. Several years back I swore at the stroke of midnight that 2006 would be the year I finally wrote, choreographed, and starred in a musical adaptation of the 1987 classic The Monster Squad. Some dreams are just too big.

This year found me happily turning the page on 2008 with no resolutions slipping from my beer-soaked lips. Which is good, considering all the unfulfilled promises I still have follow through on for 2008. Then there's also the little daily photo project I've got going on here. On top of all this and the daily tribulations of being a fantastically handsome man in general, I've added an additional challenge to the month of January -- no processed sugar. Simple as that. This is definitely more about me than it is you (especially since none of you a-holes voted for it), but I doubt that will prevent me from turning here to complain as needed. I've also instructed Christie to film the inevitable Hasselhoffesque breakdown I have, where in a glucose deficient stupor I take to eating brown sugar by the fist-full off the kitchen floor.

Like a death row inmate looking for the perfect last meal, I knew there to be only one thing that could quell my anxieties for the harsh, bland tasting road that lay before me. Thrown into our NYE shopping basket, along with all the mixers, was my Dear John letter to sugar - Oreo's. Quite possibly the perfect cookie. I know what you're thinking -- "Yes Jay, but you neglected to mention that the one thing better than Oreo's is Double Stuf Oreo's." Ah... touché good reader, but let me retort with this: WHO THE FUCK do you think you're talking to? Of course I bought Double Stuf. That's like asking a guy if he'd rather have sex with one hot girl or two. No matter how seriously you pose that question it's basically rhetorical. Even if you asked while dangling from a bridge by one hand and holding onto a basket of puppies in the other, nobody would think you actually meant it. In the same obvious manner, what good would Double Stufs be as my death row meal if I didn't open them up to construct Quad Stufs? Since it was taken two days ago it can't serve as my daily photo (I'll be back with that later), but the documentation of my final sugary morsel seems absolutely necessary.


Hope everyone had a sweet new year!

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4 Reasons to Live

  • Monkey Girl  
    January 2, 2009 at 9:15 PM

    I always suspected you were a ballsy guy.
    Good luck, I mean that sincerely. I will however be standing by with a hanky and a fist full of anti-depressants, just in case your mind suffers a mental break from lack of sugar.

  • Diane  
    January 3, 2009 at 6:45 PM

    "Several years back I swore at the stroke of midnight that 2006 would be the year I finally wrote, choreographed, and starred in a musical adaptation of the 1987 classic The Monster Squad. Some dreams are just too big.''''"

    The world could use another Bob Fosse

  • Em  
    January 4, 2009 at 6:44 AM

    Somehow, I missed this post yesterday. But anyway, I often feel that I ought to remove sugar from my diet... and have done so at various times in my life. It is not easy. Good luck.

  • Krys  
    January 9, 2009 at 8:10 PM

    There are a lot of important comments that should be made on this post, but the most important, I feel, is in regards to the Monster Squad Musical.
    That idea is genius. That movie ruled my childhood.
    I am thankful that you reminded me of it. I resolve to purchase it asap.

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