The Financial Crisis Comes to My Inbox  

Here's a screenshot of an email I received yesterday from Fidelity, the guys holding onto my retirement portfolio. Given the current state of the market, it probably wouldn't surprise you to learn that the last time this account made any money was about six months ago, and that was on opposite day. What I personally found surprising about their email, however, is the apparent size of their balls:


Really Fidelity? Really? I'm no financial mastermind, but I am aware of the fact that I can presently get a better return on my money by stashing it in the hollowed out copy of The Lives of Riley sitting on my bookshelf. Not that I keep my money there or anything. Forget you read that.

Fidelity's email gave me a flashback to the credulous days of my youth, specifically the times when I needed a ride from my brother. He always pulled the "hop in" trick, where he advanced the car forward a few feet just as I was about to get in. After a few times of this I would just stand there, telling him to fuck off and that I wasn't going to bite again, that he would have to back up the car. After first he'd get pissed, and then all sincere-like say "C'mon dude I'm done. Really. Hop in." But of course the fucker ALWAYS did it again.

That's pretty much how I feel about Fidelity right now. They throw out all these fancy-schmancy financial terms like "fluctuation," long-term," and "action," and I'm expected to up my retirement contribution on what's pretty much faith alone. You know, because things are gonna smooth out eventually, so why not pad the account now? No matter that only half of what I pad it with today will still be there when the market turns at the end of next summer (that's right folks, you heard it here first); investing is really just a mechanical process that you should NEVER falter on, regardless of the economical climate. Much how you continue to bash your face into a wall instead of walking around it because, you know, someday that wall probably won't be there.

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