What I'm Thankful For  

Ugh. If there's one part of Thanksgiving I don't enjoy, it's the one summed up in the title of this post. While I believe that last year I was spared from broadcasting pieces of my depraved, tortured feelings of appreciation, something tells me that this Thursday will offer no such reprieve from the whole "Let's all say what we're thankful for" game of verbal Russian roulette. I'm obviously grateful for my loved ones, good health, steady work, and Oreos. Nonetheless, I can't really claim complete ignorance to the real reasons we say these things aloud; as obvious as they may be, it remains a nice reassurance, both for myself and those I share the holiday with.

Then again, let's take a closer look at Thanksgiving. Wasn't it nothing more than another one of the white man's bait and switch tactics? You teach us about maize and beaded necklaces, we give you some turkey and rape your women, right? OK, so maybe the pilgrims didn't deliver the final blow to these once proud people, but they might as well have. Religious zealots are pretty much bound by cross-accountability to each other in my mind.

I was hoping to spend the bulk of Thanksgiving in a tribal casino, you know, for the sake of reparations and what have you, but my Mom wasn't having any of that. Her blind hatred of Native Americans is surprisingly strong. Instead I guess I'll simply have to embrace the true spirit of the holiday by listing those things I am least thankful for, i.e. that I feel are worthy of genocide in the name of whatever it is I believe in:
  • People who wear baseball caps with the stickers/tags still attached
  • My retirement plan, which is down 33% for the year
  • Shitty movies (I'm talking to you, Love Guru & You Don't Mess with the Zohan)
  • Christmas ads running before Thanksgiving
  • Henry Paulson looking like a smug idiot
To close on a completely unrelated note, check out this picture of the guy in front of me on the bus this morning:

Yes, that's a Q-tip behind his ear. For what possible reasons he needs one on the ready I couldn't tell you. But what I do know, based off the color of the tips, is that it had very obviously already been used for cleaning of some kind.

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11 Reasons to Live

  • AJ  
    November 25, 2008 at 12:59 PM

    Ewww.. sickening.

  • Marcia  
    November 25, 2008 at 4:28 PM

    a) that picture = gross
    b) don't look at your retirement acct until Feb. At least. You're not using it for ~40 years, and you are only adding to the panic. Don't even think about it...
    c) "what are you thankful for" is a form of torture that's against the Geneva Convention that GWBush approved for use in Guantanamo.

    (and the word verification is "undialin". A weird hip hop way of saying not calling?)

  • Megkathleen  
    November 25, 2008 at 5:05 PM

    I am thankful my family has never, and will never, make everybody name what they're thankful for. That and I'm thankful I wasn't next to Q-tip guy on the bus.

  • Toryssa  
    November 25, 2008 at 8:08 PM

    Once I asked an eleven year old girl why there was a baby spoon behind her ear and she told me, "So that I can eat my own pussy if I feel like it."

    Likely you don't want to know what that Q-tip is for.

  • Chris  
    November 26, 2008 at 11:11 AM

    I am thankful for Q-Tips, camera phones, and inappropriate blog commenters.

  • Jay  
    November 26, 2008 at 11:26 AM

    AJ - But what if he had swabbing candy with it?

    Marcia - Please don't crush my dreams of retiring at 35.

    Meg - Did I mention he smelled like cinnamon?

    Toryssa - HSWTF?

    Chris - I too am thankful for knowing that there are still those out there that can make me gag with words alone.

  • the projectivist  
    November 26, 2008 at 5:14 PM

    is there ANY way he may have forgotten he left it there?

    you'd make a good undercover detective, Jay. impressive usage of the camera phone technique.

  • McLean  
    November 30, 2008 at 6:57 PM

    love the tumbling...

    love it!!

  • random moments  
    December 1, 2008 at 2:57 PM

    Ewwwww.... You should have flicked it. Bleh.

    We had to do the thankful thing at J's parents. His mom actually scrapbooked little cards with everyones' names on them with lines for filling in. And then she told us we had to fill the whole page! She was less than happy with me when she saw that my words took up two lines like you do in kindergarten and included "pajama pants" in my list of things I was thankful for.

  • the projectivist  
    December 3, 2008 at 3:32 AM

    that's so funny, random moments! did she used to be a teacher, and were you given a score at the end?!

  • The Grunt  
    December 3, 2008 at 8:24 AM

    That commuter is merely paying homage to rapper Q-Tip in the most retarded fashion possible.

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