I've Seen Comas That Were More Exciting  

Today, while having a seat in the bathroom and playing mini golf on my phone, I fumbled during a moment of extreme... concentration. The phone fell from my hands and ricocheted off my shoe, sliding across the floor and into the general vicinity of the urinal right outside the stall. Fuck. There is certainly no shortage of Purell at my workplace, so I was already formulating how much of the stuff I'd have to slather on my phone before ever putting it near my mouth again. Then somebody comes in. Into this small bathroom that only has the single urinal. Surely they see my phone. They'll pick it up and put it on the counter before pulling their dick out. I mean, who would just let a perfectly nice phone sit there? I hear a zipper go down. "Wait!" I blurt out. "Don't piss on my phone!" But it's too late; a stream has been unleashed, and I'm going be smelling coffee pee until next year when I'm eligible for a free upgrade.

I hurry myself out of the stall just in time to catch one of the executives turn away from the urinal in confusion. "I didn't see your phone in there," he says, motioning to the urinal with a smile. Ha ha. Smartass. "No, I dropped it and..." And it wasn't there. On the bright side, my phone had escaped a golden shower, but now this guy was looking at me like I secretly did want him to piss on something of mine. After a bit of searching I found it (under the sink), though of course not in enough time to clear my name with the wayward executive.

Unfortunately children, this story doesn't have the happy ending you might expect. Although I'm admittedly stoked about not having my stuff peed on, this was tragically the only thing of relative interest that happened the entire day. Had a squirrel done something cute or someone on the bus had a particularly greasy moustache, you'd be hearing about that instead. But no, all I've got for you is that something gross almost happened. I probably should have just made up a story about how I used my Excel wizardry in some totally awesome way to save the OH MY GOD even my fake life is boring today.

However, I did take the time to type all of this out.

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