Both Thinking Devices Are Sore Today...  

It's funny how certain phrases can make a man cringe, regardless of whether or not said phrase is even describing a physically painful thing. Such was my reaction last week when my doctor spoke two little words: scrotal ultrasound. Gah.

Other than seeing my wife have about a million ultrasounds, I'm not a complete fool and know that it's hardly an invasive procedure. Yet there's some kind of knee-jerk reaction inherent to any situation where the boys are challenged. Outside of something you'd hear in a porno, very few words can complete the sentence "We're going to ___ your balls" without eliciting at least a grimace from the average guy.

After having the ultrasound yesterday, I've been forced to let out some slack in my thoughts on its level of invasiveness. For starters, the young nurse that walked me back to radiology actually turned out to be the technician that was about to juggle my plums for the next half hour. Then, in her sexiest monotone voice, instructed me to remove my pants and perform some serious towel origami so that the twins were the only thing showing. In her words, "Like you're putting them out for display on a shelf." My words, which were "Or through the back side of a puppet theater at the library?" didn't seem to score any points.

For the record, she was 26 (I had to ask) and by no means unattractive, but handled my danglers in such a unfeeling manner that I'd have to rate her sexability just below the sleeve of my favorite coat. I know, I know; having sound pressure blasted into my oysters doesn't come with a happy ending. Still it wouldn't have hurt (quite literally) to pretend that my kiwis were more like a ripened fruit, as opposed to a wad of silly putty or a couple of indestructible circus peanuts. Let's just say the word "smoosh" comes to mind a lot.

In the end it was more than worth it, as I now have sound medical reassurance that my stones are OK. And although it wasn't said outright I'm pretty sure that despite her seemingly callous nature, the technician was impressed by what she saw, since as I was leaving I noticed her and another young woman having a real good laugh. You know, because our time together had been such a joyous one.

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