At Least They Have Cleveland  

Last night at around 12:30, as my head eased gently onto the pillow in preparation of 5 hours of much needed sleep, it jerked back up with a startling realization: I had not yet blogged. Shit. Having already lost to the clock, I decided against sacrificing any more sleep, opting instead to do a "makeup" assignment today. I think it was pretty much inevitable that this would happen, though I had really been hoping it would come at the price of a really good story, like perhaps a bar fight or extreme state of inebriation (with photos). All I've got now is "I was doing other stuff and forgot," which is no more of an excuse than saying you cheated on your wife because the lights were off and you couldn't tell.

On to better things. I'd like to make a quick announcement: Fuck Columbus, Ohio. I say this because it's not often that I encounter a severe case of writer's block; at the very least I'll just start writing nonsensically and something evolves from there. Even if it ultimately becomes crappy content, I can almost always take a second shot at it. This wasn't the case last night as I found myself not blinking in front of an empty page for quite some time. As you may have guessed by now, the painfully trite subject I was trying in vain to write about was Columbus, Ohio, "The Discovery City." After taking more than an hour and a half on an article that shouldn't have taken more than 30 minutes, I realized that there is very little, if anything worth discovering about Columbus, other than it has a huge college and is geographically convenient to a bunch of places that are way cooler.

Now this in no way means that I'm not appreciative of the work I do. As I've stated recently, I really enjoy it. In consideration of the stagnant financial times, I feel lucky to have 1 job, let alone 4 of them (depending on how you look at the freelance structure, that is). It's just that, well, fucking Columbus, you know? It must be some karmic curse for naming a city after such a greedy Indian-raping religious zealot.

In the end I was able to get things going, but only in the most roundabout of ways. As opposed to writing the requested concise travel guide, I initially wrote over 600 words on why we should all hope that the city is unknowingly resting atop a dormant subterranean super volcano. All it would take is one minor earthquake to effectively cleanse our great nation of Columbus, much in the same way you have errant moles lasered off by a professional. It was only by running these words through my "opposite day" filter that I even managed to finish the article. Directly afterwards I pounded one out on Minneapolis like it was nothing, which provided me with the final bit of perspective on just how much Columbus sucks. Think about it, would you visit someplace that could be summed up as "Like Minneapolis, only less interesting?"

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10 Reasons to Live

  • Alvin  
    October 20, 2008 at 10:32 AM

    Just curious, did you spend any time here or are you just writing guides from Internet research?

  • Jay  
    October 20, 2008 at 10:41 AM

    More of the second than the first, though it's not like I've never been. Although I hate to say it, your site does give me the impression that there might be some potential there. Maybe renaming the city would be a good place to start?

  • Jason  
    October 20, 2008 at 10:57 AM

    Jay, is it just the name you can't stand or are you truly stumped about what Columbus has to offer? Next time your in town get a hold of someone to show you around. Or at the very least take a look at the Experience Columbus Website.

    But really it sounds like your beef is actually with someone named Christopher Columbus.

  • Lara Kretler  
    October 20, 2008 at 11:14 AM

    Wow. You really couldn't be more wrong. I grew up and went to school in NY state, then worked in NYC for six years before going on a quest to find a place with far better quality of life and far lower cost of living. I found both in Columbus and absolutely love it here. My family is on the west coast now and, like you, started out skeptical about me living in the "flyover zone." Fortunately, they've since learned how cool central Ohio really is. I am not a football fan and have still found plenty to do here, including great restaurants, a progressive culture and no shortage of gorgeous scenery for outdoor pursuits.

    I highly recommend you visit Columbus with better informed guides next time - you clearly did not see the best of what our city offers!

  • Ms. Single Mama  
    October 20, 2008 at 11:16 AM

    Whoever hired you to write about Columbus should promptly fire you.

    Sorry...

    But how can you diss a city when you haven't even really been here? It's bad... but not that bad. Columbus has actually been called one of the best cities in the country for singles and young families.

    Here are some things you should discover about Columbus (if it's not too late):

    1. The Short North
    2. Grandview Heights
    3. Schiler Park in German Village
    4. The diverse culture
    5. Clintonville

    There's much, much more... I personally discover something new every weekend.

    Just wanted to defend my city.

  • Jay  
    October 20, 2008 at 11:23 AM

    Welcome Ohioanites! Glad to see you coming out in record numbers to defend your city. To address the small number of the points brought up already:

    1. I actually have been to Columbus, for more than a layover.

    2. Yes, I should probably be fired.

    3. My dislike of Columbus the city is indeed not as pronounced as that of the explorer.

    4. I'm glad nobody's taking me that seriously, since it's really more of a humor piece at your city's expense. I get it though, nobody likes being made fun of. Feel free to reciprocate in the comments -- I'm an easy target!

  • Ryan  
    October 20, 2008 at 11:36 AM

    I am withholding any comments on Ohio until I see how this election plays out.

    I am putting these people on the list I hope I can throw out on November 5th.

  • Em  
    October 20, 2008 at 1:55 PM

    Yea... I just moved from Ohio... lived there for 4 years. It is kind of boring... There are definitely more exciting places to be. But Columbus does have some good qualities too.

  • McLean  
    October 20, 2008 at 7:59 PM

    wow, more than 6 people read your blog. i wonder how they found it. Did they just do a search for "Fuck Columbus, Ohio" and BAM! your blog??

    anyway I was thinking, and Clare was suggesting. You should blog about the Modern-Day Superhero stuff we were talking about. Your imagery was well developed.

    Anywho, Fuck Dunkerton, Iowa! (just trying to get your readership up)

  • The Grunt  
    October 20, 2008 at 9:35 PM

    Now I want to go to Columbus, Ohio. Why? Because I am really, really into dormant subterranean super volcanoes.

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