The Most Exciting Post Ever -- A MUST READ!  

If I were 7, this is where I would say "Sike!" while twisting your nipple and/or teasing you about your abusive alcoholic father. But only because I'm insecure and grappling with my own abusive alcoholic father issues.

Seriously world, there couldn't be less interesting news about my life unless I stopped breathing altogether. Which come to think of it, might actually make for a decent read. I'll consider that should the quality and frequency of my posts continue slipping.

Even work is boring; a startling development I know. An oft imagined scenario for me involves meeting someone mega-enthused by their incredibly exciting and fulfilling job, where I basically tailspin between wanting them to teach me how they did it and stabbing them in the neck with a highlighter.

I think everyone has the extended fantasy of coming into a large sum of money, likely through lottery winnings or a dearly departed relative you didn't even know existed. There would be a requisite period of traveling and exploiting the world as we all know the ultra-rich do. My family and I would dine on endangered species atop fragile historical monuments, our fluted glasses overflowing with the tears of 1,000 Bosnian refugees. Zivjeli!

What most of us fail to acknowledge is that only a handful of people can maintain that kind of pace for life, namely Chuck Norris and Stephen Hawking. For the rest of us mortals, the pile of Bengal tiger and spotted owl carcasses would eventually overwhelm our sense of self, leading us back home to try and re-establish roots. My personal dream involves a tangent at this point, wherein I open a business -- a bar, restaurant, event venue kind of place, and then hire my closest friends and family to run it. Considering that those closest to me are generally smarter, better looking, and more fun than I am, I have high hopes that I would become one of those rich bastards that keeps getting richer.

With that said, reality just bitch-slapped me with an Outlook meeting reminder. For now my dreams of feasting on orangutan burgers at Skywalker Ranch and having a barful of drinks named after me will be put on hold to serve the needs of others. I only hope those orange bastards hold out long enough to make it to my plate.

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2 Reasons to Live

  • Christie  
    August 12, 2008 at 2:03 PM

    You are sick twisted man. And I don't think orangutan is considered white meat.

  • The Grunt  
    August 13, 2008 at 9:13 AM

    Jay, its amazing how close our lottery fantasies are to each other. I would personally like to add that going hobo hunting would be in my "hobbies" list when I'm ultra rich. I hear that there's a club for that sort of thing, started by a Rockefeller.

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