At The Height of Convenience  

So often is it that I meet new people and am selflessly given a gift of the obvious. "Wow, you're tall" they'll say. Sometimes I immediately move the conversation elsewhere, other times I throw out an obligatory "Thanks," and when I've been drinking, I'll duck my head in fear of my own height, swatting the open air above me violently in sarcastic overacting.

At 6'7", Mr. Guinness is hardly knocking at my door, book in hand. But that doesn't mean I'm unaware of my above average height. It's not uncommon for me to go months without encountering someone as tall as I am, even longer if I stay away from basketball games. This conversely makes me the tallest guy most people have seen in a while. I get the novelty of it, and have yet to turn down a Japanese tourist who wants their picture taken with me.

That said, being tall isn't without its downside. Below is a short list (haha) of what nobody considers when they pray to their powerless Gods for extra height.

Death by spiders. The one that actually started me thinking about this list. On the way to work today, I collided face first with a jumbo spider web... housing an equally jumbo spider. I'd say it was about the size of half dollar, and now have the unwanted memory of what it feels like to have such an abomination scurrying across MY MOUTH.

Let the record show that most people don't run into spider webs that often, due in part to it's high placement, or because another person of average height already took one for the team. I, on the other hand, have neither luxury on my side. It must be pretty funny for others though, watching this awkwardly attractive tall guy walking along, only to unexpectedly turn into what I'd guess looks like an epileptic breakdancer with Tourette's.

Everyone's bitch. You'd think using the provided stepladder would be more appropriate, but no matter the job I have, it's always the same thing. I get a call at my desk, "Jay, can you come help me with something?" 10 times out of 9, it's for something on a high shelf. Now if you can't reach it without risking peril that's one thing. But to do it because you don't want your shirt to come untucked, well, boo I say.

The basketball question. Being a geek who never excelled at sports is one thing. Then I grew 7 inches in a year, and somehow became the freak that knew how to ball. In reality I barely had enough coordination to use my asthma inhaler, let alone be of any use on the court. Yet to this day, people insist on asking "Did you play basketball?" I once had a black guy ask me this, and I was pumped to be able to fire back with a "Why does everyone ask me that because I'm tall. You're black -- did you play?" Turns out the guy had been on the High School All-American team, and I'm a racist. Go figure.

Anything made before 1985. Me functioning in a house from the 40's is like Joe Average living on a submarine. The doorways barely clear 6', the toilets are like pissing into a thermos, and don't even get me started on ceiling fans. Post-modern architecture was apparently a bitter rival of evolution.

Doorknobs, sinks, buying clothes, drawers, jumping dogs, urinals, dangerously low balcony railings, and showers. Do I really need to explain these?

As you can see, being tall isn't nearly as awesome as it sounds. Don't get me wrong though; I'd much rather be on this side of average than be a short guy. I mean seriously, how bad would that suck?!

Bookmark and Share

2 Reasons to Live

Post a Comment